Moving On
by DiamondDuchess
Summary: Loosely based on spoilers but i have gone off on my own tangent... Brendan tries to deal with the aftermath of recent weeks
1. Chapter 1

I sat on the railing of the bridge looking out over the river watching the sun rise, it was the first time I had been sober in best part of a week. Since I'd packed a bag and left Chester. I couldn't get a grip on my thoughts, everything was so fucked up.

My whole world had fallen apart in a matter of weeks, I'd gone form being Brendan Fucking Brady, man about town, the guy other men wanted to be, the guy girls wanted to be with, even wannabe glamour models wanted me. To having my life snatched away from me, Peter turning up causing trouble, that bitch Rae telling Foxy about me and St… about me and what I did, Danny's body resurfacing - I still cant believe I believed Foxy when he said it would be taken out to sea.

Maybe that would be best for me, for Cheryl, for St…for everyone. If I just disappeared, if I was just washed away to sea. I didn't deserve to live after everything I had done, the hurt and pain I had caused to those I loved. I couldn't bare to think of Cheryl's face, the disappointment in her eyes, knowing I had been lying to her for months, years even. Knowing that the man she believes is her big brother, who will love her and protect her from everything is nothing more than a fake.

And what about Stephen….. I felt my heart constrict in my chest at the thought of him, saying his name in my head for the first time since leaving. The last time I saw him broke my heart, the bit that wasn't dark and twisted and beyond repair that is.

I had come out of hospital, ironically it was him that put me there. I couldn't bring myself to be angry or to blame him, I just kept thinking of everything I had put him through, how I had messed with his head, making him want me then telling him how he disgusted me, hitting him, cracking his ribs, splitting his lip, covering his beautiful body in bruises. Then taking him to highs he had never experienced before, me neither come to that.

He _had_ loved me, I was sure of that now but at the time I hadn't wanted to deal with it. I couldn't cope with it, but he _had_ loved me and I had left him feeling like there was no option but to try and get me out of his life for good. When he came to the hospital and told me what he had done and that I deserved it, I couldn't argue with him. He was right. He put his hand on my face and although everything was pretty hazy still I knew he meant it when he said I meant nothing to him now. He looked down at me but his eyes, those eyes that I loved to stare into, they were empty, emotionless, like someone had replaced them with glass. It was like I had turned him into a robot, a shadow of his former self. It broke what was left of my heart to see him like that, to see what I had reduced him to.

The last straw for him had been him finding out about Danny, about what I did… the look on his face when he confronted me about it, the hurt, confusion and pain. All down to me. I had tried to explain how scared I was that Danny would hurt him, tried to make him see that I did it because I couldn't cope with anything happening to him. I tried to explain about Vinnie about what happened to him and how I could never let anyone hurt Stephen like that. I more or less told him I did it because I loved him.

Only now sitting here staring into my reflection in mass of water below me, can really see how I must have come across. A liar, a mental headcase, rather than taking responsibility for what I did, I pretty much put it on him. I virtually blamed him for making me into a killer, I had used love as an excuse or what I did. He had no reason to believe I loved him, how could he, I had never given him sign that I felt anything for him. I did though, I loved him in a way I had never experienced before and that had scared me.

So anyway, that last time I saw him, I had left hospital and he had come to the flat to see me, he had broken down in tears telling me how sorry he was, how his 'head had been mashed' from everything I had done and said, I had sat him down on the sofa wrapped my arms round him and held him and shushed him as he cried. There was so much I wanted to say, so much going on in my head, my heart was beating like crazy but I couldn't get any words out.

He finally stopped sobbing after about twenty minutes. He stood and I said he should leave and as I went to open the door he grabbed my arm, turned me to him and kissed me. I wanted to throw myself into it, hold him close , devour him with all the emotion I felt for him, but I didn't. I couldn't. I pulled away, god knows how, I wanted him with every fibre of my being but I managed it. Without looking up I opened the door and told him he was right, what he said in the hospital and told him to leave.

His eyes darted back and forth over my face hope shinning through his eyes. I played my poker face, kept my eyes blank and ushered him out the door. I shut the door behind him and leaned back against it. I practically started hyperventilating at what I had done, silent tears starting to course down my face. I wanted to run after him, to tell him how I really felt but sometimes you have to let go of what you love. I could finally see what I had done, I had created this toxic relationship between us, I had taken away his innocence and naivety, I brought back painful memories from his childhood, I had practically laughed in his face when he told me he loved me, I had driven him to put me in hospital. He was better off without me.

I had just started to get my breathing back under control when I heard footsteps on the stairs. _FUCK ….. _Cheryl was home. There was no way she hadn't heard or worse, seen what went on with Stephen. I grabbed my leather jacket, wallet and keys and left. My head was spinning, how had I let this happen, how had I messed everything up so badly, It was like I was witnessing a car crash, I couldn't stop it from happening. Stop the pain and the hurt that was about to be unleashed so I did what I did best. I ran. I headed for the station, got on the first train out of Chester and ended up here.

I had spent a week missing in action, I had kept my phone off at first finally turning it on after three days to find Cheryl had been bombarding me with messages, saying how she knew about me and Stephen, begging me to come home. I sent her one message saying I was ok and telling her I loved her before throwing my phone away. My time here had been spent with my best friend Mr Jameson until last night when I had finally sobered up allowing myself to break down in tears. I had been walking the streets for hours trying to get my head straight and figure out what to do. That's how I ended up here, sitting on this bridge and considering my fate.

Thinking back over the last few weeks had helped me clear some things in my head. Helped me realise what a damaging presence I can be in someone's life. How in order to save my life I fuck up everyone else's around me. I now knew what I had to do. I carefully stood on the railings, took a deep breath, made my decision and jumped.

I hit the ground virtually instantly and started walking back to the hotel, it was time to get my stuff and head home. Yes, I had messed up my life but there were four people in this world I loved, my kids, my dippy sister and Stephen. There was no way I could hurt them any more than I had already, especially Stephen. I couldn't leave him to live in this world with my life on his conscience. I had damaged him enough already. It was time to get my act together and maybe one day he would give me to chance to prove to him again that I was worth loving.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Ste's POV

I woke to a consistent thumping sound, wondering what the hell was going on, it finally dawned on me it was my head pounding away from the ridiculous amount of alcohol I'd had last night. It took me a while to take in the unfamiliar surroundings at first, I looked over to my right and saw Noah fast asleep lying on his front. I felt a momentary sense of panic before realising I was still fully dressed. I racked my brain trying to recall what had happened last night, we'd been at the Dog with Riley & Ethan, with a lot of freebies being supplied by Riley. It was my official introduction to Noah's friends I guess, as his new boyfriend, if that's what I was. It had gone well, I think, we'd drank a lot and there had been lots of laughter, I don't think I got it all but everyone was nice to me and welcoming, I wasn't used to that.

We had only been out twice before and it wasn't like anything much had happened physically between us, hence my sense of panic at finding us in bed together. I was still getting my head round the whole 'gay' thing. At first that had caused a bit of friction between us, what with Noah being all out and proud and me, well me coming still to terms with who and what I was. Noah had taken it personally when I had ducked my head when he went to kiss me in public at the end of our first date.

He had said he'd had a great time but he had grown out of hiding away from people, going on about how we were in the 21st century and we had nothing to be ashamed of. He told me to call him when I had grown up and walked off. I stood there feeling a little shell shocked, people were looking and I realised our scene had probably attracted more attention from passers-by than if I'd just let him kiss me.

I walked away quickly and headed straight home to bed. I lay there awake thinking about what Noah had said and realised I did need to grow up. I was being a hypocrite, after months begging _him _to be open and honest about who we were, I was trying to make Noah hide away from who he was. It was the wake up call I needed. I had promised myself I would move on with my life and I realised it was no good just saying it, I had to actually do it.

Noah seemed to be a nice guy, at ease with himself, and he liked me. He genuinely liked me, he wasn't afraid to be seen with me, ashamed of people knowing we were going out. I'd been such a dick! I picked up my phone and text him _' you're right, I was an idiot, can we try again tomorrow?_' I waited nervously flicking through the channels on the tv without taking in what was on. My phone eventually beeped into life, _' sure thing Ste, I'd really like that xx' _

Our second 'date' had gone better, we went to see a film, Noah had done that thing you see in teenage films, pretending to yawn and putting his arm over my shoulder. It was so funny and cheesy, at least I think he meant it to be that way . He had chatted a lot of the way through the film, which was a bit annoying as I love action films me, but it was great to have someone give you their attention so completely. We had kissed, right there in the cinema and it had felt good to be able to do that, be with him in public, I guess I really was moving on. We'd ended up going to Relish for some food and he had walked me home, holding my hand! It was out for the frying pan into the fire stuff, or maybe it was more out of the closet, into the real world for me from now on. He had come inside for coffee and to meet Amy, she loved him! I could tell within five minutes, she was grinning insanely at him, she even put biscuits on a plate before offering him some. I know it sounds wrong but I think that's when my attraction to Noah really began, when I knew Amy approved, I had put her through so much recently, her approval meant everything.

Things had been difficult with me and Amy lately, before all this stuff with Noah, I had started to worry that after everything, after what I did, she wouldn't be there for me anymore. We'd had a huge fight and I had crumbled, dropping the attempted hardman mask that I had adopted after finding out about Danny. Telling her how I had felt about everything, well maybe not quite everything. Telling her how messed up I had got and how scared I was she would take the kids and leave me. We sat up all night talking and she made me see that yes, I had messed up royally but if I kept avoiding taking responsibility for it I wouldn't be able to get past it. She was right.

That's when I decided I needed to say sorry to _him_, I had gone round there and apologised, tried to explain what had been going on in my head, that I hadn't been thinking straight. I ended up breaking down and he had sat me on the sofa and held me, it was months of grief and hurt and sorrow pouring out, it was like a floodgate had opened and I couldn't stop. I don't know how long I had cried for but it was like he was different from the man who had caused me all this pain. It was like for the first time he was really there for me, he didn't try to ignore me, or tell me I was a whinging woman. I think he had finally accepted what he had done to me went further than bruises, cracked ribs and a split lip. When I finally stopped, we stood up and I know this is going to sound mad, but I swear I felt taller somehow, like a weight had finally been lifted off my shoulders. He went to open the door and I think, in that moment, I wanted him more than I ever had. I went to kiss him but he pulled away quickly, he looked down and opened the door saying I was right with what I had said at the hospital and said I should go.

He finally looked at me and for a fraction of a second I swear I saw something resembling love in those beautiful eyes of his, igniting hope in my heart. I was wrong, the look had disappeared and been replaced with his blank and bored now expression so quickly that I doubted if it had been there in the first place, wishful thinking I think they call it. I left, neither of us bringing ourselves to say goodbye…..

I walked off with my head spinning, in some ways I felt great, like there was a release, like the bad stuff between us had finally been put to rest. But there was also this ache in my chest, I swear it felt like a little piece of my heart had died. Like it had given up from everything it had been through.

I bumped into Noah outside Look Sharpe and we chatted for a bit, I wasn't really with it and said I had to get back to me kids and started to walk towards home. Noah had called after me I had turned to find him nervously smiling at me, ' can I call you about that drink' I looked at him blankly trying to think of a polite brush off until I heard this voice in the back of my head say 'move on'. I found myself shaking my head a little, smiling and saying 'sure, that would be great' before turning and walking home.

So in a round about way, that's how I have ended up here in my new boyfriends bedroom, with the monster of all hangovers. I slip out of bed, careful not to wake Noah, trying to dress as quickly as I can with my head pounding. I gently wake him by shaking his shoulder lightly. He wakes up mumbling something I can't make out, looks round all confused before realising what going on 'hey you, what you doing dressed? I thought we might hit the shower together' he asks taking my hand whilst trying to flirt with me and wiggling his eyebrows at me. I smile back, kiss him on the cheek 'I've me kids today, I need to get home, I'll text you later yeah?' I leave the room as quickly as I can without making Noah paranoid, and practically run down the stairs and out of his flat.

Once I'm outside I can't help but look to my right, to where _he _lives, or least he did before he went missing. I still couldn't believe he was gone. From what I gather after our last 'conversation' he pretty much left the house and never came back.

Cheryl has been going out of her mind with worry, she didn't deserve this, she is such a good caring person. I don't know where it came from but I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to see her, I needed to see how she was coping, it was a typical thoughtless move from Brendan to leave Cheryl like this.

_Brendan…. _I'd said his name in my head for the first time since he sent me away and I felt an instantaneous tug at my heart. I may have decided to move on with my life and try new things, a new person even, but after lying in Noah's bed thinking of Bren and that last time we were together, there were two things I was sure of.

No matter how much I liked Noah, there was no way I was going to shower with him, I wanted part of me, part of my memories to always belong to Brendan.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and wrote a text.

Second thing was, right here, right now I needed to know he was ok, after everything I couldn't bear the thought of him alone and hurting. _'Come home, please…. For Cheryl'_

I pressed send and headed off to the Loft to see Cheryl quickly and ask if there was any news_._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Brendan's POV

I slowly climbed the steps leading up to Chez Chez deliberately trying to delay the inevitable onslaught of questions that was going to come from Cheryl. On the journey back to village, I had tried to get my head clear, to think of how I was going to explain why I took off, left her without any warning, how I was going to make it up to her how I was going to explain all the lies and deception without actually explaining anything at all. I hung my head slightly in shame thinking again about how much I had messed things up.

I opened the door and walked straight through, hearing voices coming from the office I headed that way.

'I'm not trying to take over Cheryl, you are exhausted, you haven't slept properly for days. I know Mitzeee can be a bit full on but she was only trying to help when she started to organise the theme night. Believe it or not she cares, she is worried about him too and about you, we both are'

I could hear Warren trying to pacify Cheryl, as I approached the office I could see he was stood with his arms on Cheryl's shoulders trying to make her see sense.

'I know, you're right, you've been great, both of you. Despite how awkward things are still'

Cheryl looked pale and drawn, I felt a pain in my heart for what I had done to her. Cheryl was my constant, the only family who had really loved me, unconditionally and it went both ways, I adored her and would do anything for her. Anything except be honest with her about who I was. That was about to change, I'd decided no more lying to her, regardless of what that meant for me, she was too good and kind and beautiful to keep being hurt by those she thought cared about her.

Neither of them had noticed my approach , I leaned on the door frame, dipped my head slightly and simply said 'hey'

They both turned and looked at me in shock for a second before Cheryl strode over to me and slapped me hard across the face. I didn't flinch, I deserved it.

I was about to speak when she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me so tight that it became hard to breathe. 'Oh thank god, I was so scared, I thought you were dead, how could you do this to me?'

'He will be dead soon Chez if you don't let him breathe, good to have you back mate' Warren said grinning at us both.

Cheryl let go at that point, taking half a step back to study me, there were so many questions in her eyes. I took her hand and squeezed it before looking back to Warren 'cheers mate, do you think you could give us a bit of space?'

Warren was happy to leave us to talk, probably didn't want to get caught in the cross fire, knowing first hand how feisty Cheryl could get.

I walked Cheryl over to the sofa and sat her down, she had gone quiet but there was a steely determination in her eyes, I knew I wasn't getting out of the office without giving her some answers and I was finally ready to oblige.

'Ok I know you've got questions, lots of them and I get that your angry with me, I totally deserve that. It's just…. It all got too much… I needed to get my head straight'

'Bren I know…' Cheryl started to interrupt.

'Chez, please! if I'm going to do this I need you to let me say it, there will be time for questions after. I just need to do this' I said as I stood and started to pace a little round the office.

I stopped and looked at her, she nodded her head ever so slightly and I decided it was now or never.

'I…. I haven't been honest with you, for a long time now. About me, about my marriage, about my life. I thought by not telling you, not telling anyone, I wouldn't have to face the truth. I thought I could keep my life separated, create little compartments and never the twain shall meet. Only, well that didn't work like that, I fucked up, I fucked everything up so badly.' I had started talking quickly now, it was like once I had started I couldn't stop

'I've made so many mistakes, I tried to control people, control situations so I could keep my life the way I wanted, the way I thought was best. All I have done is hurt people, hurt you, over and over and for that I'm truly sorry. ' I drew a shaky breath before continuing 'I met someone, I didn't mean to get close to them, it wasn't supposed to be more than a physical thing. They ended up falling in love with me and I, I didn't react well, I hurt them and lashed out. It wasn't that I didn't feel the same, I did,….. I do, I do love them, it was just too much too soon, I wasn't ready, I couldn't give them what they wanted. It's over now, they …. they are moving on….it's for the best'

My breathing had quickened, I felt my heart beating so fast I swear it was going to break through my chest. Cheryl had tears in her eyes and she stood ready to walk towards me and for the first time I registered the silent tears slowly rolling down my cheeks.

I took one last breath and said 'I…I'm Gay' the second the words were out her arms were around me, holding me close, telling me how much she loved me, how she didn't care who or what I loved as long I was happy as long as I didn't leave again.

We stayed in the office for another half an hour or so as I tried to answer some of Cheryl's questions, it was a bit overwhelming, for both of us, but I tried to answer the best I could, for her sake. When it all got a bit much we decided to take a break from the revelations, Cheryl went to the bathroom to clean herself up a bit and I headed to the bar to get a drink.

Before I had even got to the bar Warren had poured us both a whiskey and come round to stand next to me as we both leaned on the bar and looked out the open door. 'Back then?' he asked as he gave me the drink.

'yeah…. Thanks. Y'know for keeping an eye on Chez' I looked at him, briefly smiled then looked forward again

'No problem, she's a great girl, just wasn't the right girl for me, but I doubt your losing sleep over that'

'Ha funny that, you have your moments Foxy, but yeah I'm glad your not seeing her anymore' I said downing the remainder of my whiskey and refilling the glass.

'I don't know whether you want to know this or not but I figure you'd prefer know sooner rather later.' Warren said before pausing looking at me then looking ahead again 'I'm pretty sure Ste has started to see that guy from the gym'

I looked down and my breath started to hitch slightly and I began to cough ' Right… right well thanks for the heads up but there's no need, water under the bridge and all that' I moved away from the bar and walked outside to the balcony, rolled the whiskey glass in my hands and let out a shaky breath.

The pain in my chest felt so real, so vivid, if I didn't know better I'd swear I was having a heart attack but that wasn't the case, it was just a little bit more of my ever shrinking heart dying. Stephen, my Stephen was with someone else. I shivered involuntarily at the thought. Only he wasn't my Stephen, not anymore, we'd agreed we couldn't go on as we were, it was over, had been for months if we were honest with ourselves.

I took a deep breath readying myself to head back inside to Chez, we were going to head home then go out to dinner later, there was still a lot of stuff we still needed to talk through. I drained the last of my drink when I felt this urge to look down to the right, it was like this invisible pull dragging my attention down the village and there he was. Stood outside Look Sharpe! Holding hands with that guy from the gym whilst he chatted to pocket cop. He was looking right at me, His eyes practically boring into mine for a second it was like neither of us could tear our eyes away. He pulled his hand away from his _'boyfriend' _who didn't even notice. - What an idiot, how could he not even notice he wasn't connected to Stephen anymore, for me the separation was verging on unbearable yet this prick didn't even register it.

Stephen made to take a step towards me, as if he was going to come to the club. I shook my head side to side ever so slightly and walked back inside. To Cheryl. To the person who really needed me now.

I'd love to be able to tell you how sad and broken he looked in that moment, only I didn't know, I forced myself not to look. I only know how hard it was for me to do, how much it hurt how each time I thought the pain couldn't get any worse it did.

There was only so many times I could walk away from Stephen without breaking down completely.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Ste's POV

I had started today feeling pretty happy and I felt like I was finally getting my life on track. Me and Noah had finally, well, ya know.

It was different, very different if I'm honest, from what it was like with Brendan. There wasn't the passion or intensity but I don't think that's a bad thing. It was just nice, kinda like how it should be I guess, people sharing something intimate because they both wanted to. There was no fear of saying the wrong thing, of worrying about someone catching us or thinking soon as it was over I should go before being told to leave.

I wont lie, afterwards I felt a little strange and I curled up pretending to be worn out from the activity and faking sleep until I heard Noah's steady breathing. I relaxed a little knowing he was asleep and lay on my back looking at the ceiling. So I had done it, slept with another man. I felt a pain in my chest at that thought, at knowing there was no coming back from this now ,me and Bren were over proper now. It was official, to me anyway, he was still god knows where so he didn't know about me and Noah, not that he would care.

I felt a pang of guilt at that still but there was part of me that was starting to feel happy about the direction my life was moving in. Amy and I were on good terms again, it was still early days but Noah was a really great guy and so far things were going well and coming out had been so much easier than I thought, everyone had been so accepting and supportive. I turned on my side and felt my eyes lids drooping into sleep as I smiled to myself about how good life was getting.

Noah woke me with coffee and toast in bed, I don't think anyone had ever done that for me before it was so unexpected that the coffee and toast ended up going cold as we started to explore each other all over again but this time by daylight. We spent all morning in bed chatting and fooling around but by lunch I was starving so we got showered (separately I might add, still couldn't think of us doing that together) and dressed and headed to the SUbar.

We walked hand in hand down the steps into the village chatting about silly things when we bumped into Ethan, outside Look Sharpe! Ethan seemed like a nice guy and tried to bring me into conversations when we had met before but today he was chatting to Noah about some fitness machine thing and I had no idea what they were on about so I stood holding Noah's hand smiling to myself until something caught my eye.

Someone walked out from Chez Chez onto the balcony, despite the glare from the sun I knew instantly it was Brendan. Even If my eyes didn't know it was Brendan my heart did, the pain in my chest was instantaneous. I was stuck to the spot staring at him and part of me was willing him to look at me. He was stressed, I could tell, he was rolling a glass back and forth in his hands. I thought back to the text I had sent him and wondered if that was why he was back…

My breath caught in my throat and heart starting pounding in my chest as he turned to look at me. I wanted to look away, make out I hadn't been staring at him but I couldn't. I couldn't tear my eyes away. It was like there was this invisible force pulling me towards him, I dropped Noah's hand, I don't think he even noticed. I started to take a step towards Bren but he shook his head from side to side, for a second I thought I had misunderstood until he turned him back on me and walked inside. I felt like such an idiot, I'm glad I had turned away from Noah because there was no way the devastation I felt in my heart wasn't visible on my face.

I'd been kidding myself. I wasn't the one moving on, not when seeing him from a distance could make me feel this way, not when my heart still felt this pain this longing. Him on the other hand, he'd moved on, he'd just walked away from me as if I didn't exist and it hurt.

My phone started vibrating in my pocket and for a second there was a surge of hope until I looked down and saw it was Amy calling. I moved away from Noah and Ethan who were still chatting away as if I didn't exist 'Hi Ames, what's up' I asked wearily. I could tell straight away something was wrong, Amy told me that Mike had had a fall and needed her to help him for a couple of days, She'd be leaving at 4pm and needed me to look after the kids on my own for a few days.

To be honest I was glad of the distraction, it would be good to be focused on the kids, stop these thoughts about Brendan going round my head. I told Amy not to worry I was just going to grab some lunch and then I would be home.

Noah and I went for lunch and he chatted away about work and Ethan and pranks they had got up to over the year, Noah talked a lot, I was starting to notice that, but for me, today, it was a godsend, my head was all over the place. I was about to head home when Noah said he was going to call in work and check the rota when it suddenly occurred to me that I was supposed to be working at Chez Chez tonight. I ended up walking back to the village with Noah, gave him a quick kiss goodbye and headed for the staff entrance of the club.

I climbed the stairs and saw Cheryl leaning over the bar chatting to Brendan who was sat down

'Ste!' she called as she saw me climbing the stairs ' look who the cat dragged in eh' she said nodding her head towards Brendan.

I looked down and started fiddling with the cuffs of my hoodie 'Yeah so I see, good news eh? I'm really sorry about this Cheryl but Amy has had to go away so I'm not going to be able to work tonight, is that going to be a problem?'

'It shouldn't be love, let me go check the rota' she said practically bouncing off to the office.

'She's happy' I said as Brendan stood up and turned towards me

'Yeah' he said pausing and chewing his gum 'we're working through some stuff but its all good'

I took a step closer to him ' I … um glad you're back. Did you get my mess….' I started to say but we were interrupted by Mitzeee who came up the stairs and practically threw herself at Brendan.

'Where the hell have you been?' she said hitting him on his arm with her handbag after hugging him. 'I've been worried, not to mention I haven't exactly been busy with work what with my manager just taking off'

Brendan had mocked pain and alarm at first before grinning, yes _grinning _back at Mitzeee.

'Well funny you should say that, I just so happen to have a job for you, wont you walk this way and I'll tell you more' he said as he took her hand, spun her in a circle as if they were dancing and headed to the office with her as Cheryl came out walking and talking with a clipboard in her hand.

'Don't worry Ste, Jacqui is back tonight so things will be fine here. Bren and I are off out so Warren is here and Mitzeee has actually been making herself useful lately so don't you worry about it and let me know if you need any help with the kids'

I nodded feeling relieved I didn't have to worry about my shift tonight but at the same time I couldn't help the feeling of jealousy wrapping itself round my heart and before I knew it I found myself asking 'they back on then?' and nodding my head towards the office. Cheryl laughed in a kinda nervous crazy way before telling me that Mitzeee and Warren were together and Bren was fine with that he was just being a good friend to Mitzeee.

I told Cheryl I had to get back to the kids and headed back down the stairs feeling totally confused. This morning I felt on top of the world, like I had my whole future in front of me. Now I felt terrified that my past was leaving me behind, as if I never happened.

When I had first seen Bren up on the fire escape I couldn't help but wonder if it was the message I sent him that had brought him back. I couldn't deny part of me wanted that to be the case, that he came back for me, because I had asked him too.

I headed home to the kids hoping being able to just be daddy for a few hours would take my mind off this mess I found myself in.

I didn't get how I could want to be with two people so badly. And that was the crux of it. I wanted them both. Noah for his normality, his easygoingness, his acceptance. But Bren, well he was my first love and that means something doesn't it? It wasn't just physical thing either, don't get me wrong I could feel my whole body crave him, but there had been so much more to us than that, and as much as I hated what he did, it had bonded us together in a way that I may never feel with someone else.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Ste's POV

I woke up this morning to Leah bashing me on the head with a teddy bear . I hauled myself out of bed and took the kids through to the front room, settling them down to kids tv before making breakfast. I still felt a bit off after seeing Brendan yesterday and I'd had a fitful sleep thinking about him and how we used to be.

I looked at the fridge door to check what the kids routine was today and saw that Lucas' play group was closed today for maintenance repairs. Leah and Lucas went to different play groups now which could be a bit difficult at times. Great! I had to go get some food in, Amy normally went but she hadn't had chance what with everything that had happened with her dad. I had to try and keep Lucas occupied and get Leah to and from play group luckily I wasn't on the rota at work today, I couldn't really afford to keep missing shifts.

I got the kids breakfast ready and gave it to them in the front room as I went in search of my mobile which I could hear ringing from my bedroom. I smiled seeing Noah's name and took the call, he offered to come to the park with Me Leah and Lucas and whilst I took Leah to playschool and did the shopping he would take Lucas to Relish for ice cream. He really was great and kind and supportive and everything you could really wish for in a boyfriend, he was who I needed to focus on, not my dysfunctional ex.

I got the kids ready and we headed to Moobs to meet Noah who had bought me some green smoothie thing from Moobs - I'm more a coke man me but it was sweet of him. I wasn't really ready for me and Noah to show affection in front of the kids and I think he understood that, we just walked next to each other with him gently nudging me sometimes whilst grinning down at me.

I played with the kids on the slide and swings whilst Noah sat on the bench laughing at us or texting away on his mobile. Ok we weren't exactly Barbie and Ken or Ken and Ken should I say, but I felt content.

After best part of an hour I needed to get Leah off to play group and do the shopping so I left Noah and Lucas who seemed pretty happy in each others company and headed off, kissing Noah on the cheek quickly whilst blushing and saying I'd meet them at relish in a couple of hours.

Brendan's POV.

I woke up late and found myself in my old room at Cheryl's. We had drank so much last night by the time I got her home and settled, with her telling me over and over how much she loved me and making me promise not to leave again I had decided it was easier to just stay over. I was starving so I headed down to the kitchen to find no food in the house. Cheryl had left me a note saying she had headed to the club and to come in whenever I was ready.

I got showered and dressed, luckily I still had some clean clothes here and headed down the stairs. I checked the time and decided I'd nip to relish and grab some food for me and Chez before heading to the club to catch up on what had been happening in my absence. No doubt the books would be in a state if Cheryl and Foxy had been doing them, or even worse Mitzeee! It was weird situation what with my former nemesis getting with my former 'girlfriend' after cheating on my sister but it was like we had all managed to get past that.

By all accounts Mitzeee had been working at the club, for free, helping Cheryl out. Part of me wondered if it was because she wanted to tell me how great she had been whilst I had been away before telling me she had moved Warren in with us! I had laughed at that, the thought of me Foxy and Mitzeee under the same roof but in the end I didn't feel I could argue. I agreed we'd see how it went and she had thrown herself at me telling me I wouldn't regret it. Hmmm we'll see!

I walked straight up to the counter at Relish ordering my favourite and Chez's usual before turning round to lean back on the counter to wait. That's when I saw him, _Noah_ , at least that's what I gather he is called from Mitzeee. He was with pocket cop and it looked like a third person was with them judging by the empty dishes, I turned back to the counter, silently willing my food to arrive so I could leave before having to acknowledge their existence. I was in luck, I grabbed my food and headed out as quickly as I could and headed back to the village.

I was about to pull out my burger and start eating whilst walking when I heard crying, I looked round but couldn't see anyone, then I realised it wasn't a person crying it was a child. I saw him about twenty metres ahead of me, I headed over quickly realising who it was. As I got closer I could see he had fallen over and cut his knee

'Lucas, hey Lucas, you remember me' I said as I picked him up, he was still crying but his little arms grabbed at me wanting comfort. I held him close and shushed him, gently rocking him back and forth. I went to get my phone from my pocket before realising my replacement phone hadn't arrived yet.

Holding on to Lucas and talking to him softly I headed off to the club to find Chez.

' CHERYL, CHERYL' I was yelling as I entered the club and headed up the stairs.

'Bren? Whatever is the matter' she asked coming round from the bar 'what's going on? is that Lucas?'

' I don't know, I found him outside on his own Stephen was no where to be seen, I still haven't got my phone yet, can you call him'

'Yeah course, let me go get my mobile, poor little mite has he had a fall?' she asked as she came over and stroked his head softly.

'Yeah luckily that's how I noticed him, look I'm going to take him to yours and get him cleaned up, you call Stephen, he'll be going out of his mind'

'Shall we go get you cleaned up eh Lucas' I said holding his hand 'lets go see if we can find any cartoons on at aunty Cheryl's house shall we' Lucas's sobbing had finally stopped and he nodded his head.

I dropped the bag of food on the bar and left it for Cheryl as I headed off with Lucas.

Ste's POV

'YOU LOST HIM? HOW COULD YOU FUCKING LOSE HIM, HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF YOUR SIGHT' I yelled at Noah, he at least had the good grace to look ashamed.

I had been doing the shopping, trolley half full of food when I got his call. I couldn't tell what he was saying at first, he was talking so quickly but eventually it started to sink in. He'd been in Relish with Lucas who had been happily colouring and eating his ice cream when Ethan had come in, they had been chatting for about twenty mins before Ethan had left and Noah had finally noticed Lucas wasn't there.

I left the trolley in the middle of the aisle and ran as fast as I could to Relish to find Noah outside. ON HIS OWN. Fear tore through me, this couldn't be happening, not after everything, not after already nearly losing him to Abi and her psycho boyfriend. I was running round calling out Lucas' name, tears started rolling down my cheeks. Noah tried to explain, but there was nothing he could say that I wanted to hear. I wanted my boy, my baby.

I ran over to the skate park shouting for him, grabbing random people and asking if they had seen a little boy. It felt like hours had passed and I had no idea where my boy was, whether is he was lost, hurt or every parents worse nightmare, he had been taken. I crumbled to the floor in a heap when Noah said we should call the police. I looked at him like I could kill him thinking all the time ' _THIS IS YOUR FAULT' _

I reached for my phone and it started ringing in my hand, I answered it without looking at the screen.

'Ste!, Ste! Where are you, it's Cheryl. Brendan found Lucas crying in the woods by Relish, he's taken him to my house to clear him up. He's ok just a little scratch.' it took a second to sink in what she was saying. He was safe! my boy was safe! 'I'm on my way' I said quickly before standing up and legging it towards Cheryl's, to my baby.

I hadn't told even told Noah Lucas was safe, I didn't care what he was thinking or feeling, I just ran. I was vaguely aware of him running behind me, calling my name but I didn't stop. He finally caught up to me as I ran up the stairs to Cheryl's, I should have felt exhausted, from running all that way, but I didn't, I guess it was the adrenaline that did it. I hammered on the door and it seemed like it took forever before it opened.

Brendan threw the door open to show him stood there in his red shirt, holding Lucas on his hip whilst holding a toy car in his other hand. So many feeling rushed over me as I took in that sight, relief, love for my son, anger at Noah as I took in the plaster Brendan had placed on Lucas's leg and somewhere amongst all that _awe_. The sight of Bren in _that _shirt, holding my son and looking at him so lovingly it was like a glimpse into how my life could have been in an alternate universe.

I automatically moved forward and took Lucas holding him close and telling how I was here, daddy was here and how much I loved him. ' Where the hell were you Stephen?' Bren asked, he had folded his arms across his chest and his stare was intense.

'I …I…' I started to speak but I couldn't formulate the words, so much was running through my head. And then I heard Noah speak up.

'You? Might have known it would be you who "found" him'

I looked at Noah confused as he did that finger thing as he said _found , _looking back between him and Bren as he carried on

'Took him more like' huh? What was Noah on about…..

Bren raised his eyebrows at him 'come again?' he asked trying to stay calm, I could see the vein in his neck starting to pulse

'Well its all a bit convenient isn't it, Lucas was with me in Relish, you come in and then suddenly he is gone and you miraculously find him!' wtf? Is Noah saying Bren took Lucas…

' I know how you've bullied Ste in the past, I bet you can't stand to see him happy, you just want to cause trouble. Why take him to Cheryl why not just call Ste to stop him worrying, I bet you were too busy enjoying having power over him again!'

Bren looked like he was seething, his arms dropped to his side and his fists balled up, I could tell he was close to snapping but for some reason some part of me thought what Noah was saying does sound like Brendan, he did used to be _that _manipulative and whilst I didn't think he wanted me anymore maybe Noah was right, maybe he just didn't want me to be happy and why _didn't _he call me_, _why did he leave me to think my boy was gone….before I could get my head straight the words were out of my mouth 'did you? Did you take Lucas to get at me'

The look on his face made me realise instantly how stupid I was being, he looked devastated, totally floored and so hurt. He turned away strode to the sofa, picked up Lucas' coat and threw it at Noah. 'I think its best if you leave now' and before I had chance to take back what I had said Bren slammed the door in my face.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Fuck Fuck Fuck! What had I done. Why on earth did I say that to Bren. Of course I didn't think that!

I was just so mixed up and for a second what Noah was saying seemed to make sense. If I think back to how Brendan used to be, how he was before he started to care for me, or at least I think that's what it was. . ..

But things have changed, they are different and I think, so is Bren. There is no way he would ever hurt me through my children, he knows, he understands what it is like, being a dad. I never meant to say the words out loud, but I couldn't stop them.

I stood clutching Lucas, stunned, that look on his face playing over and over in my head. I needed to get out of here, get away from Bren, from Noah. I needed to focus on my boy. I grabbed Lucas' coat off Noah and headed down the steps.

"Ste! Ste wait!" I heard Noah calling behind me" I turned round so quickly he almost crashed into me and Lucas. I stood glaring at him.

"What the hell were you playing at? Were you trying to ruin my relationship with Br…. With my boss?" I yelled. "how dare you bring up that stuff, what gave you the right. YOU messed up, YOU lost my son, take some fucking responsibility Noah" with that I left him open mouthed and stormed off home.

I got Lucas home and after checking him over, settled him down with crayons and paper. He really was ok, Bren had cleared him up and he didn't seem phased in the slightest.

I was so confused, one minute I thought that Brendan didn't care anymore, that he had gone away and come back completely indifferent to me. But seeing the hurt there in his yes, surely I couldn't have imagined that? Surely I could only hurt him if he still felt something for me? So many questions were running round in my head.

Noah…. Had I been to harsh on him? I looked at Lucas, my heart swelling with love and pride. NO. I could have lost him, today could have ended up so badly all because Noah hadn't taken care of my boy, he had been too busy chatting with Ethan to notice he had wondered outside. Outside! He could have been hit by a car, got lost all alone with no one around to find him or worse. Someone could have taken him and hurt him. Someone could have done the unthinkable. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by anger, if someone had taken my boy I swear I would have hunted them down and killed them, I'd do anything to protect my kids, my family.

Lucas wandered over to me, dragging me from my thoughts, showing me his picture and instantly calming me with his smiling face. His drawings were pretty confusing most the time, put being a parent, you always told you kids how great there work was. I looked down and found myself a little surprised to see his normal bizarrely proportioned attempt at drawing a person, but instead of it being me or Amy or Mike, this person had some kind of line across his face and next to it was what we had recently learnt to be Lucas' interpretation of a car.

My heart fluttered a little as I realised what the picture was of, getting a tiny glimpse at that alternate universe again. I headed for the kitchen, found an envelope, scribbled quickly on the back of the drawing and got Lucas ready to go collect Leah from play school.

Brendan's POV

I headed back to the club, my head reeling from Stephen's, no Noah's accusation. I know me and Stephen have had our ups and downs but there is no way he could think that I'd do that to him. That I would take his child, his baby, after everything he had been through, just to hurt him. Surely he knows that I wouldn't, couldn't do that to him, . I wanted to protect him not be the cause of more pain for him. This was _him, _that _Noah, _putting ideas in Stephen's head about me.

What the hell had Stephen been saying though, He'd obviously told him we had issues, I guess I should feel grateful that he didn't tell him the truth, tell him about us, how we were lovers, or we used to be at least…..

I walked up the stairs to the club feeling tense as hell, heading straight for the offive to do some paperwork, telling Chez everything was sorted on my way past her serving at the bar.

I tried to concentrate, really I did but I knew I was in danger of the books ending up even more messed up that they were now if I carried on. I was about to head to the bar for a drink when Jacqui knocked and opened the door.

'Hey Brendan, sorry to bother you, bumped into Ste on my way in and he asked me to give you this, he had to rush and pick up Leah or something' She said as he handed me an envelope and headed out the door.

'Brendan' was written on the front, even if Jacqui hadn't told me who it was from, I would have recognised Stephen's child like scrawl anywhere.

Part of me wanted to tear it up and throw it in the bin without even opening it but I knew I couldn't. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from opening it allowing us to be reconnected again, even if it was only through a note.

Then it hit me, what if he really believed what he said, what if he was resigning, not being able to stand to even work in the same club as me. I would be forever destined to just catch glimpses of him around the village with that gap toothed twat of a boyfriend of his.

I slumped down in my chair turning the letter over and over in my hands, trying to decide what to do. My hands seemed to make the decision for me, as if on autopilot , they opened the envelope pulling out the flimsy paper from inside and holding it up to my eyes.

I stared at it for a second wondering what the fuck Stephen had sent me before I realising the odd shaped thing on the paper was supposed to be a person and the blob next to it was a car, the person had weird line across their face and eventually it dawned on me. Lucas must have drawn it, drawn a picture of me and a car, my heart swelled a little at the thought of him drawing me and showing Stephen.

I found myself laughing out loud before turning the paper over and seeing Stephen's scrawl in the top corner.

'I'm so sorry Bren! Me and the kids will be in the park at 9am tomorrow if you want to talk x'

I drew in a shaky breath. Stephen wanted to meet, wanted to talk. What did that mean? He said he was sorry, whilst I was glad of that, it didn't change the fact he had still thought it, thought I was what? Some kind of child abductor? How on earth had everything got so messed up all over again.

We were supposed to be keeping away from each other, moving on, forgetting the past. It was what he wanted, what was best all round.

I pulled out some scissors and cut round the picture Lucas had drawn, throwing away the note form Stephen. Decision made. Stephen and I were the past. There was nothing to talk about. I picked up Lucas's drawing and headed to the bar to show Chez and to get a drink to toast my new found resolution.

Stephen's POV

I woke early to my phone beeping and for a second I hoped it was Brendan texting to say he'd meet me. I raised my phone towards my sleepy eyes to see yet another message from Noah. I pressed 'read' already knowing what would be inside it.

'Ste Please! I messed up I know that, but we have a good thing please don't throw it away over a silly misunderstanding'

I felt a pang of guilt. I hadn't spoke to Noah or returned any of his messages since walking away from him outside Brendan's. He had no idea what had really gone on between Brendan and me and I wanted to keep it that way. I knew he was right though, we were good together. Really he hadn't done anything wrong, just in the heat of the moment said the wrong thing. I knew all about that, I had done it often enough with Bren.

Bren….. Instantly my head was full of the sight of him holding Lucas then the look of hurt on his face when I asked him if he had _taken_ Lucas. I put the thought of Noah out of my head for now. I needed to see Bren, talk to him, make sure he was ok and to let him know I finally understood.

I showered quickly, got the kids ready and headed to the park, praying he would turn up.

We had been in the park for well over an hour now and there was no sign of Brendan. Part of me wondered if he hadn't got the note form Jacqui, or maybe he hadn't seen my message on the back. I was clinging on to that bit of hope but deep down I knew he had just chosen not to come. I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed that someone had sat beside me until they spoke.

'I thought you'd be keeping a closer eye on him after yesterday' Mitzeee said as I turned toward her with a look of confusion over my face. She nodded towards Lucas before continuing ' You look miles away' She said it softly, really when she wasn't trying to get with Bren there was a really nice side to her.

I nodded a little ' Yeah sorry, things on my mind, I was waiting for someone but I don't think they are coming'

' Ahh, I just saw him carrying a pile of towels looking miserable as sin if it is any consolation'

'Towels?' I asked in confusion

'Yeah, in the Spa' Mitzeee replied before realising her mistake ' oh it wasn't him you were waiting for was it?'

I shook my head sadly before looking up at her

'God its none stop drama with you two, I can't keep up. I thought you and Brendan were finished now?'

'We are' I said quickly, she raised her eyebrows at me questioningly before I continued.

'I … I just really needed to speak to him'

'Is this going to be about something that will send him away again Ste, cos I'm not having that' she said changing her tone from understanding to anger in a fraction of a second

'No!' I shouted a little too loudly, making the kids urn and look at us. ' I Just needed to apologise to him, I hurt him, not intentionally, I just wanted to explain. It doesn't matter he's not coming is he'

'Maybe its best this way, you are with Noah now' she said as stood up.

'Yeah I know' I said quietly as she started to walk away before fiddling in her handbag and walking back towards me.

'Here' she said thrusting a set of keys at me. 'Be there at 12 and I will make sure he is there not long after'

I looked at her a little stunned before taking the keys and hugging her quickly ' Thanks Mitzeee'

'Just call me Cupid' she said as she started to walk off.

'It's not like that' I called after her.

'Yeah right' she said grinning before walking off and I found myself grinning back at her retreating form.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Brendan's POV

'Bren love, looks like your phone is finally here' Chez said coming up the stairs of the club and handing me a box.

'Great' I said taking the package and heading back to the office 'I'll set this up then get on with the rota yeah'

I set the phone up and started scrolling through the multitude of messages from Chez, guilt for walking out on her flooded my senses. I had been selfish in leaving and hurting her like that but deep down I know it was the right thing to do. It helped get things in perspective and now I'm moving on with my life, from Stephen and gradually putting things right with Chez. She keeps trying to talk to me about him but I'm not ready, I've asked her to give me some time and she really is trying, it's just patience isn't one of Chez's strong points.

I scrolled though about thirty messages from her until I see something that at first I think is a figment of my imagination, a message from Stephen. I take a deep break and open it

'_come home, please… For Cheryl' _

I don't really know how to get my head the emotions I'm feeling, sorrow, sadness, hope and what I think is a bit of pride. Pride that Stephen was here for my sister when I wasn't. The fact that he asked me to come home for Cheryl, even if he didn't want me here for himself. That meant something.

I stared at the phone for a while before deleting all the messages and getting back to the rota. I had literally just opened the spreadsheet when my phone rang.

'Brendan, I need you at home now, there is water everywhere, I can't stop it' Mitzeee was yelling in a panicked tone'

'What the hell have you done, get Foxy to sort it' I said irritably

'I can't' she said in her whiney voice, the one she used to get me to do things, and I did, just to shut her up! ' He's in Manchester, pleaseeee Brendan, I need you'

'Fine! I'm coming but I'm telling you now I ain't clearing up any mess you have made and if anything is damaged you're paying for it' I said before hanging up without waiting for her response. I strode out the office, filling Chez in on Mitzeee's call before heading off home.

I let myself in and walked straight into the lounge, putting my wallet keys and phone on the table by the door. 'Mitzeee' I yelled, 'What the hell have you done?' I got a reply but it wasn't from the voice I was expected.

'She's not here' Stephen said softly as I spun round to see him stood opposite me, next to the sofa. A flash of confusion passed across my face before I sighed 'Where is she?'

'I'm not sure, she just gave me her keys and told me to be here. I think she was trying to help cos I'd said there was stuff I need to apologise for but you weren't giving me the chance' He looked down and started fiddling with the cuffs of his hoodie. He did it when he was nervous god I loved that about him.

'There isn't any need' I said quietly

'There is! I didn't mean what I said yesterday, my head was all over the place' he said moving towards me.

' Stephen stop!' I said and he did, looking at me with those beautiful eyes ''my head was all over the place' is all we ever say, I hurt you over and over and you hu..hit me and we just justify it by saying we weren't thinking, what does that say about us.' I let out a shaky breath and run my fingers over my moustache, I can't believe what I'm about to say. 'maybe we need to talk, about it all, once and for all'

He looks at me shocked before nodding slightly.

'Right' I say as I head to the kitchen and set about making coffee, I need time to think. I can't believe we are going to talk about everything. I can't believe it was me that suggested it!

I make the coffee and head back to the lounge to see him sat on the arm chair. I hand over his cup and head over to the sofa.

'Bren, look yesterday, I really didn't mean it, I was just so scared about Lucas, then so relived to know he was safe and with you, then you started to have a bit of a go then Noah started saying stuff and I don't know it just came out of my mouth before I had even got my head round what was being said. You have to believe I didn't mean it!' he said his eyes pleading with me.

'Stephen, it's ok. I get it, I can't imagine what you had been through thinking Lucas was missing' I said looking down at my coffee and blowing on it slightly before taking a sip

'I'm glad it happened though' he said, I practically choked on my drink then, what the hell was he on about? I looked at him waiting for him to explain

'I think I finally got it, finally understood or maybe started to understand why you did what you did. To Danny'

I sat there in silence, shocked that he was bringing Danny up.

'When I didn't know where Lucas was so many thoughts were running through my head and I couldn't help but think what if someone taken him and hurt him. What if I never saw my boy again. I was filled with such anger and hatred and I swear to god if that had happened, I would have hunted them down and killed them.'

I was completely stunned by what he was saying, his face was full of emotion as if he was reliving the pain all over again. I just looked at him as he continued talking, unable to drag my eyes away from his face

' I'd do anything for my kids, anything for my family, to make sure they were safe, that they were protected' He got up, walked over and sat on the sofa next to me, I inhaled his scent as he got close and for a fraction of a second it felt like everything was right with the world again, then he started talking.

'when I found out about Danny….what happened. I… I thought it was just another way of you trying to control me. I was so confused, I couldn't see past the dead body I'd fished out the river. I didn't think of what it had cost you, how you lost part of yourself forever when you made that choice to do what you did' he moved his hand to sit lightly over mine pausing to check my reaction before continuing 'to protect me.'

'I think the fact you finally let me in to your past threw me as well, you never really shared any of your life before moving here with me. So it was hard for me to hear you talk about Vinnie, I couldn't see past you hiding the fact you had been with someone else from me to see what you were really saying, that Danny wasn't making idle threats, that he really would have hurt me.

I guess I'm saying sorry for not having more faith in you. For not realising that despite all the other stuff that went on between us, you did care about me on some level. I think by that point I had stopped thinking of any of the good stuff that had happened between us, my head was full of the control, the violence and the manipulation, I couldn't remember how safe I felt when I was with you, or how you made me feel like I was the only person in the world when we were together. All that went out of my head and all I could see were these flashbacks of the bad stuff, the pain, the beatings, the fear of upsetting you.'

I couldn't move from what he was saying, it was like his words had paralysed me to the spot, silent tears had started to form in my eyes and were threatening to fall.

'I know I handled it all so badly, I should never have hit you, I know we talked about that, but I truly am sorry. I never meant for you to end up in hospital for a week, I think I just needed to feel like I was taking control of my life. Instead I think I messed it up more, I ended up risking losing my family and going to prison just to try to prove to you that I was moving on, that I didn't feel anything anymore. That wasn't true by the way, of course I still felt for you, it was more I didn't _want _to care about you anymore. I wanted it all to stop'

He took a deep breath, looked me right in the eyes and said ' I want us to forgive each other for what we've done, for Danny, for everything. I really think we need to if we're both going to move on from this'

I couldn't believe what he was saying, he wanted my forgiveness, he had done nothing, it was me, all me that had caused the pain and the suffering.

I lifted my hands to cup his face and leant my head against his before saying his name softly 'Stephen…'

'None of this, not one bit, was your fault. You haven't done anything that needs my forgiveness. It was all me, I messed with you because I could, and then, when you told me how you felt, I panicked, I didn't know how to deal with that, deal with being loved.' I moved back, still holding his face gently. I looked into those eyes, those eyes that make the rest of the world stop turning, make it so it's just him and me

'I didn't realise how I felt until _Danny_ and then I found out about Rae, Amy told me before I saw you, telling me to I needed to end things with you, and it felt like I was being punished. Punished for finally starting to love someone only to have them taken away from me, and you would have been Stephen, you had to be there for Rae and the baby, we both know that. So I had to walk away from you, don't think for a second it was easy for me, but it was the right thing to do.' He lifted his hand to rest lightly over mine at this point and I swear it was like we were on fire, the power of that connection between us, I had to break it. We couldn't do this again. I had to be strong, for his sake.

I stood and started to pace as I spoke 'I have done some terrible things in my life but my biggest regret will always be how I hurt you, not just physically but how I messed with your head. It was unforgivable of me. Just because I am not ready to be honest with people about me doesn't mean that I should try and stop you from being who you are, stop you from having the chance to be loved and cared for in a way I couldn't.'

I stopped pacing looked him dead in the eye ' I'm glad you are with someone now Stephen. I'm glad we are finally over and we can both move on. So thank you for coming, really I mean that' I look down, I can't look him in the eye and keep my resolve when I say what I am about to 'but I think it would be best if you go now'

He nods sadly, puts his coat and walks right up to me, reaching out and holding my arm. We both look down at that final connection and I can't help myself. I raise my other hand brush his hair from his face and kiss him softly. I pull away quickly, I _have_ to. I move to the door and open it saying 'Goodbye Stephen'

He rests his hand over my heart and for a second swear its like I'm being shocked back to life, like you see in hospitals, like his touch has brought me back to life but he moves his hand away whispering 'Bye Bren' before walking out the door.

I close it instantly, lean my head against it and feel the ache in my heart at the loss of his touch, the loss of him.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Ste's POV

I stared at the door as it closed in front of me. _'Goodbye Stephen' _that's what he said.

So he must really feel it's over then. That's what I wanted wasn't it…. For it to be finished between us, my head is saying yes but my heart, is screaming NO. I reach out and rested a hand on the door, trying to feel some last connection to him when it opened.

He looked at me, eyes full of emotion and for once I understood every one of them, fear, desire, longing, lust and think love. The reason I finally understood was because my eyes were showing the exact same emotions.

We reached for each other at the same time and he pulled me in, shutting the door behind us. For a moment we just stared before we kinda both nodded ever so slightly and that was it. I was back against the door, his hands were on my face kissing me with so much passion it took my breath away. I wrapped one arm round him and my other was in his hair, holding him as close to me as possible.

He eventually broke the kiss, dropping his hands from my face and for a second I started to panic that he was going to push me away again. He leaned in so his head was resting on mine and as I let out a little sigh of relief he did that half smile of his and that was it, I was gone. I pulled my jacket and hoodie off before he put his hands on my waist and lifted my t shirt over my head as my hands went straight for his belt. He took off his shirt before kissing me again, grabbing his wallet and walking me back a few feet till we got to the table. Without breaking our kiss he had pulled off my jeans and boxers and lifted me on to the table. I moved my hands to get the rest of his clothes off and he groaned into my mouth as I grasped him and started gently pumping.

He got a condom out of his wallet and as I set about putting it on him he put his fingers to my mouth and told me to suck before he set about preparing me. I felt myself instantly tighten around him as his fingers entered me, I lay back but my body was instantly arching up towards him as his mouth found mine again. 'Bren …please…I need…I need you' I said pulling away from his mouth, urging him to enter me and he did.

I felt my breath hiss out of my mouth at the same time he groaned in pleasure as I felt him inside me. There was no time for easing me into it, he just started to thrust away as I wrapped my lags around him, we didn't kiss again, we just threw ourselves into to and it was fast and frenetic and I urged him on shouting out his name as he started to get close and took hold of me, pumping me away in harmony with his thrusts and suddenly it was over, we came together and I swear I couldn't see straight. It was so powerful, we had both put everything into it and we were totally overwhelmed. He leaned against me as we tried to catch our breath, neither of us saying anything, not wanting to break the spell that had been cast between us.

I don't know how long we stayed there until he pulled out of me, it felt like ages but was probably less than a minute. He walked to the sideboard disposed of the condom, grabbed some tissues and cleaned himself and me up before heading back to where we started, picking up the trail of our clothes. That's when my heart sank, this was it then. He handed me my clothes and I readied myself for him to turn me away but instead he took my hand in his and pulled me towards his bedroom.

He shut the door behind us before throwing our clothes on a chair and reaching for me again. This time he kissed me soft and slow before pulling me onto the bed and lying over me. He looked down at me and gently brushed my hair away from my face.

He started to trail kisses down my jaw line before moving to my neck and grazing his teeth over the sensitive skin making me groan out his name. He continued to kiss and lick and nibble his way down my body, coming back up to kiss me deeply every so often. His left hand was resting on the sheet and without really realising I was doing it, I walked my fingers down so they met his and let out a little gasp when he locked his fingers with mine and at the same time took me into his mouth.

I know It sounds ridiculous but I swear it was the most intimate thing I had ever experienced. I felt fire all over my body, every one of my senses tingled, I couldn't really gather my thoughts but I think.,.. I think we were about to make love. Literally as that realisation struck me I came in his mouth. He swallowed before gently moving back up the bed to kiss me, still softly but it was completely intoxifying and overwhelming.

He stopped kissing me, opened the draw next to the bed and pulled out another condom and lube before he resting his hand on my face and looking intently at me '_You ok Stephen?' _I couldn't put into words how I felt, but I think It felt like I was home.

I raised my hand to his face, mirroring his hold on me and nodded before leaning up to kiss him. We spent the next hour or so like this, reacquainting ourselves, exploring every part of each other, till we were both completely spent, lying breathless side by side, no space between us. We were both hot and sweaty and covered in the scent of each other. Suddenly Bren sat up, tiled his head to the side before saying 'shower?'

He didn't wait for my response he just headed to the en suite and I lay there for a second watching him. God he was beautiful. I know that's not normally how you would describe a man, but he was, every part of him was perfect. I pulled my aching body off the bed, and joined him in the shower, closing the cubicle door behind me.

The water was hot and soothing and we both just let it wash over us as we kissed before Bren reached for the shower gel and started to clean us both, this was when I felt Bren was most stripped back and open with me, when we showered together, like he dropped all of his defences. This was why I would never shower with Noah.

_Noah! _I tensed up at the thought of him, he hadn't even crossed my mind. I think I was about to be hit with a wave of guilt but Bren started to kiss my neck from behind and wrapped his arms round me so tenderly that thoughts of Noah slipped from my head as quickly as they'd arrived.

Brendan switched off the shower, stepped out and wrapped himself in a towel before passing me another and walking back through to the bedroom. I dried myself off roughly before wrapping the towel round me and following him out.

I looked at the clock and was surprised to see it was almost 2.30pm, I think Bren must have seen me looking at the time because he asked when I had to pick up the kids. I told him that I didn't need to get them till 4.30 today and he looked down, as if he was slightly unsure of himself before saying 'you staying then.?' I smiled up at him and said 'yeah, if that's ok'

'Good' he said as he drew the curtains closed, removed his towel and climbed into bed before signalling for me to join him. I walked round to side of the bed, dropped the towel and climbed into the bed. He reached over to the clock and set the alarm for 4pm before pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me so we were spooning.

Moments like this with Bren were so few and far between I had forgotten the feelings they stirred up inside me. It made me feel like anything was possible, that we really could be together.

'Bren?' I asked softly

'mmhmmm'

'What does this mean? you know…. For us'

I knew I shouldn't have asked. I think I even tensed up, almost expecting him to yell or shout or push me away but he just gently tightened his grip around me and quietly mumbled 'life just got complicated' and then his breathing slowed into a rhythm and I knew he was asleep and within a few minutes so was I.

Authors note - sorry if this chapter isn't that great guys, i guess im better at writing the emotional side than the physical side...


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Brendan's POV

I woke and for a second the longing in the pit of my stomach threatened to overwhelm me. This had happened most mornings since coming back and seeing Stephen.

_Stephen….. _suddenly a rush of memories hit me, coming home to fix Mitzeee's mess to find him here waiting for me. Us talking, being honest about how we felt about things that had happened, him saying we needed to forgive each other, me sending him away. …

Then I remembered opening the door and seeing him still stood there, remembered how we looked at each other, letting our eyes express all the emotions running through us. I wont deny it I was scared. Scared of feeling this way, scared of loving him, he was everything to me and I was terrified to let him see that. What if he didn't feel the same? What if I had lost him forever?

Then he reached towards me and it was like I was mirroring him, intuitively copying his actions. I pulled him through the door closing it behind him. We stood staring at each other again and in that moment the silent question running through my head were answered with a slight nod of his head.

What happened next was a blur if I am honest, we just let our bodies take over, reconnecting with each other. We had somehow ended up at the table. It was quick, and powerful, full of lust and longing. We fucked like there was nothing left in the world, like we were only people in existence. We threw everything into it, all the emotions we had felt since we met and it was beyond incredible.

We came together. My heart was pounding, like it had finally come back to life, the shock of his touch had started something inside me, a chain reaction, something I couldn't control, something I didn't want to fight anymore. I stayed inside him, revelling in being with him again, being in him, it was like we were one.

I eventually withdrew and cleaned us both up. I went to gather up the trail of clothes, handed him his and for a second I think he thought we were right back where we used to be, when I used him for sex and threw him out after. I wanted to tell him, it wasn't like that, it never would be liked that again but I couldn't find the words, instead I took him hand, pulled him to the bedroom and showed him what he meant to me.

I think that's what people mean when they say they 'made love'. I'd never experienced anything like it before, it was like everything suddenly slotted into the place, everything in the world suddenly made sense. I had my Stephen back.

Only as I lie here remembering does it hit me, I don't, he isn't mine anymore, he is Noah's.

I look at the time 3.40pm and look back to Stephen sleeping soundly. He is lying across the bed on his stomach, I smile to myself at the way he is positioned, he looks like one of those chalk outlines of a body you see in films. I climb out of bed careful not to wake him and shove on some jeans and a t shirt before heading to the kitchen to make coffee.

Noah.

Hmmmm now there was a problem, I could take care of him, sure I could, but I was trying to show Stephen I had changed. More than that, I wanted to change for him, I wanted to prove to him I was worthy of his love. I leaned back against the counter waiting for the kettle to boil contemplating how to play things when he woke. It had to be his choice. I couldn't just demand he break up with Noah, I realised that, and despite him asking what 'this' meant, I couldn't assume anything. He might wake up full of regret. Noah was the safe option after all, I knew that. I would even understand if he chose to be with him over me, I wouldn't stand in his way, if it was what he really wanted, regardless of what it would do to my heart.

Maybe we wouldn't work it out now, maybe it would take time, we had been through a lot today both physically and emotionally. He would need time to process, get his thoughts straight and work out what he wanted and I would give it to him. I would give him anything so long as he was happy.

I made two cups of coffee and headed back to the bedroom with Stephen's, turning the alarm off before it woke him. I went round to the side of the bed where he was lying, crouched down and looked at him, he look so peaceful and calm and so god damn beautiful. I gently stroked his hair back from his face before softly calling his name. He seemed a little confused as to where he was at first but then his face lit up and the warmth spread through me like wildfire.

'Here, I made you coffee, you need to be awake for those kids of yours' I said before kissing him gently and handing him the coffee. 'I'll leave you to get dressed' I need to call Chez to tell her I'll cover tonight since I left her on her own all afternoon'

About 10 mins later he came out of my bedroom looking a lot more awake and handed me the empty coffee cup. ' I'd ummm better get going then' he said looking at the floor, he was feeling unsure of himself, still, after everything we had experienced today he still wasn't sure of me. Before I could say anything my phone started ringing. I looked down to see who it was before looking back to him saying 'Sorry I need to get this' He nodded and headed to the door his head still hanging low.

I answered the call 'Eileen, everything ok?' she started rambling on about something but I wasn't listening

'Just hang on a sec yeah?' I said before putting the phone on the side, walking up to Stephen grasping the sides of his face and kissing him passionately, we broke away together, both breathless. I looked him straight in the eyes and said ' I'll see you tomorrow yeah?' and he finally stood up straight and smiled at me before nodding, I kissed him chastely, walked back to my phone and when I turned back he had gone.

' Eileen, right you have my full attention' I said down the phone, ok it was a bit of a lie, but she didn't know that.

Ste's POV

I went to get the kids and it was like I was on cloud nine hundred and ninety nine. When I woke I was ready for Bren to push me away again, but he didn't. He made me coffee, he gave me privacy to get dressed and whilst we hadn't had chance to talk about us, he did stop his call to kiss me goodbye. That amazing kiss, I swear I was still high from it!

I just don't know if we are on the same page though, do we want the same things? Is loving him and hoping that he loves me back enough? can I be happy being his secret? never being able to be open about how I truly feel about him unless we are locked away in secret.

Suddenly I had come plummeting down to earth with a thud, he hadn't really given away anything, I didn't know what he wanted, if he even wanted me. He had said 'see you tomorrow yeah?' but he could have just been talking about work….

Arrghh how did I go from feeling so high and content and happy to come crashing down in such a short space of time.

We turned into our road, Leah was still chattering away about her day and I felt a wave of exhaustion hit me. I was physically and emotionally drained.

As I got nearer the flat I could see someone stood outside and I realised it was Noah.

My boyfriend.

My boyfriend who I had barely thought of all day.

My boyfriend who I just cheated on with my ex.

He was holding flowers and a huge bag of what looked like takeaway food and he was grinning away at me.

Oh FUCK!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Ste's POV

Ok… I'm a bad person.

I spent all afternoon yesterday having the most mind blowing sex of my life with Brendan, the man I used to love, the man I still might love, I'm istill so confused about that…. Maybe that's how I have found myself here, in my bed, with Noah snoring away on my left.

When I left Bren's yesterday I was on top of the world then reality gradually started to hit me. Bren might have seemed different, caring, loving even but he hadn't actually said anything. Maybe it was still just sex to him, I was nothing more than a way for him to get his physical gratification.

'see you tomorrow yeah?' that's what he'd said. I must have replayed that moment in my mind about a hundred times, trying to work out if there was some hidden message, some code for me to work out, something to give me hope. All I could come up with I was due in for my shift at 10.30am to set up the club, nothing more.

Then as I got home with the kids I saw him there, Noah, my boyfriend and I panicked.

I mumbled hi, looked down and ushered the kids into the front room to play. I motioned for Noah to follow me into the kitchen and I was about to tell him it was over. Honest, I was!

He handed me the flowers and I have to say I was a bit confused as to why he had got me them but then he started talking about how sorry he was and how he had messed up and how he would do anything to take back what he had done and said.

Maybe it was the guilt,. Guilt of what I had done that made me do it. Whilst he was upset and trying to put things right with our relationship, I'd been fucking my ex, I felt like a right shit. I found myself telling him it was ok and not to worry about it, it was forgotten. Again, I tried to find the words to tell him that we were over, again it didn't happen.

Noah took my hand and started to tell me how he thought he was falling in love with me, how he had never felt like this so soon, how he thought I was special and he was always thinking about me. And how good we were together, how right it felt.

It was everything I wanted to hear and more. Granted I had wanted to hear it from someone else, but hearing someone pour their heart out like that to you makes you feel something back. That's what I told myself anyway because I started thinking Noah was right, we were good together, we got on, there was no fear or trepidation with him, he was open and honest about himself and about our relationship surely that was what was best for me. Best all round.

Me and Noah, we made sense, ok so there wasn't the same passion there, not like there was with Brendan. But Passion can only get you so far, you can't build anything long term on passion, especially when it was always behind closed doors or up against them…..

My resolve started to waver again at this point, my head was pushing me to Noah but my heart was screaming for Brendan.

'Daddy, Daddy, Daddy' Leah was pulling at my jeans and looking up at me wanting attention. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts I hadn't even seen her come into the kitchen. I smiled down and asked her what was up. She walked over to Noah, wrapped her arm round her leg and swayed to the side before saying

'can Noah stay for tea, I want him to play princesses with me' I couldn't help but grin at her and the thought of Noah having to suffer Leah's latest game.

'Looks like your in luck Leah, Noah has bought us all this yummy food so he wont be going anywhere' I said, smiling at Noah before giving his hand a little squeeze.

Decision made - this was what I wanted. My family, my home, my boyfriend, out there and open and happy.

I crawl out of bed to go and make some coffee. Ok I made a mistake, I shouldn't have cheated, but I wasn't thinking straight, it was unfinished business that's all. It's over and it's and me and Noah, together, from now on.

As I'm making the coffee Noah slips into the kitchen without me noticing and wraps his arms around me from behind and whispers 'time for a quickie?' and I find myself being pulled back to the bedroom. I was too tired last night so we just chatted and fooled around a little but well I guess I need to prove to myself that I have made my decision or something because I find myself pushing Noah onto the bed before locking the bedroom door behind us.

I get to work early but there is no sign of Brendan and I'm glad, I start wiping down the tables, setting out chairs whilst chatting with Rhys, he is playing some music and trying to educate me on what's 'cool' these days. I'm not much for music me, I mean I like it and all, I just don't really buy it, I guess having two kids changes what you spend your money on. He's rambling away and im pretending like I get what he is on about when suddenly the office door flies open and Brendan is stood there.

'Rhys what the fuck is this shit your playing now?' he asks not acknowledging my existence

I stop and stare at him. He looks so fucking hot and my head is filled with the thoughts of our afternoon together.

'Ummm it's Two Door Cinema Club they are a ummm a ….' he started to mumble, ha! maybe he wasn't so clued up on how cool they were after all.

Brendan stood, tilted his head to the side a little and listened before turning to me and repeating the words

'To the basement people, to the basementMany surprises await youIn the basement people, in the basement'

'Hear that Stephen, it's your luck day, we've got a delivery coming this afternoon so you get to go down to the basement and get it ready and if your lucky a surprise will await you.'

He turned to face Rhys before saying 'I'm off out for a couple of hours, try not to trash the place and turn this shit off, it's a club not one of your dodgy music festivals'

He turned and walked straight out the club. Leaving me to sigh with relief, looks like we were both going to act like yesterday didn't happen, best all round I think, whilst ignoring the tug or sorrow coming from my heart.

I head down to the cellar and started shifting crates, making space for today's delivery. I've been down here about 20 mins and I'm getting pretty hot and sweaty when I suddenly feel a presence behind me. For a second I tense up not knowing who it is until they lean in and inhale my neck at the same time I inhale their musky sent.

Hands reach around my waist pulling me back slightly so we are lined up flush against each other and I feel his hot breath next to my ear before he speaks, igniting pure lust in every part of my body.

'You ready for that surprise now Stephen?' he whispers seductively and I want to take a second to calm myself, I want to step away from him, to stop the inevitable from happening, but I can't. I turn to face him and almost instantly we are kissing, hands exploring everywhere, he breaks our kiss and I am completely breathless, panting away, he on the other hand has rolled my t shirt up and has start kissing and sucking my nipple and I can't help but groan with pleasure.

Then I feel this strange buzzing in my thigh, we are so close together Bren feels it too, stops what he is doing and steps back slightly, I think we both must look a little confused for a second before I pull my phone out of my pocket and see the words 'Noah calling'

I just stare at it. Thinking of what I was about to do behind his back. Again. Then I glance at Bren who for a fraction of a second looks a little uncertain of himself before he takes control of the situation and pushes me gently back against the wall before looking me dead in the eyes and telling me to answer it.

He is using that tone that I know not to question, so I don't. I answer the call.

'Hey Noah, hows things?' I say lightly trying to just come across as friendly not boyfriendly.

Noah starts chatting away about some awful customer and Bren's eyes are still on me, focused intently. I'm about to silently apologise to him when his hands move to my buckle and before I can get my head round what is going on my trousers and boxers are around my ankles and Bren is on his knees licking me up and down, I'm so surprised I cry out.

'Ste? You ok?' Noah asks and somehow I find it in me to lie

'yeah I just stubbed my toe' I said looking down at Bren who has decided now is the time to give me what feels like the most amazing blow job of my life.

'So I was thinking tonight we could maybe get a film and have a night in, you know just the two of us yeah?' he says suggestively

' Umm yeah….I …ahh.. Great. That ahhh would be great' I say trying hard to control my voice but god the things Bren is doing to me is making it virtually impossible.

'You ok Ste, you sound a bit funny?

'Yeahh I'm ahh I'm just lifting crates, I'll ahhh call you back. See you later' I manage to end the call before I come. It's like an explosion of feelings inside me, I know I should feel ashamed, I don't. I know its wrong but I feel completely turned on from getting away with it, I'm sure the guilt will kick in later, but right now, I'm just in awe of the man at my feet.

I finally look back at Brendan and I can see he is feeling pretty pleased with himself. He gets up and kisses me passionately and I throw everything in to it. We break away and he puts his hands on my face and stares into my eyes for a few seconds before moving away. I think he is about to walk away again without saying anything but he turns back to me grinning like the cat that got the cream.

'I got some business to take care off, text me what you and Rhys want from Relish, lunch is on me, I'll be back in an hour or so' and with that he leaves.

I sort out my clothes and sit on one of the crates. Maybe I didn't have to choose between a relationship and passion, maybe I could have both. Just not with the same people….


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Brendan's POV

I sit back in m chair in the office sipping whiskey and looking intently at my phone. It's Stephen's day off today and as much as I'd love to say I'm fine with him not being here, I'm not. I want to see him, feel him, inhale his scent, look into those eyes of his, kiss those lips of his and show him why we should never be apart. But that's not me. That's why we have fallen into this cycle of sneaking around behind his _boyfriends_ back.

We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, it's like magnetism, we can't stop and if I'm honest I don't want to stop. We often stay late after closing, reconnecting with each other, in the office, on the sofas even on the bar, there isn't one part of this club that doesn't hold intimate memories of Stephen for me. But this week we've barely seen each other alone and it's tearing me up.

I know I'm lying to myself when I say I'm getting everything I want from Stephen, but when we are together it feels that way, it's like it's the only time I can truly be myself, not this Brendan Mother Fucking Brady persona I have created. Being with Stephen, I'm different, he makes me want to be better, I want to be worthy of his love, prove to him that it should be just me and him. The only drawback is Noah,.

Noah can give Stephen all the things I can't and I think that's why he is still with him or at least I hope that's all it is. I'm sure it can't be love, it can't be, there is no way Stephen could look at me the way he does if he loved Noah. He is in love with being in a relationship, that's all it is. I just need to show him that it's me really wants to be with even if it can't be the way he wants it to be.

We haven't really talked about what is happening with us, I think that's probably my fault, Stephen is scared to push things with me in case things go bad again and I hurt him. But that's not what I want, I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain for him, that's why it has to be his decision. I don't think he has realised it but I've given him the control of 'us', I don't think I even realised I had done it. I just know that when it is just the two of us there is no way I can deny him anything and if he decides it's me he wants then that's what he will get and if not, I will walk away.

Before I have even realised what I'm doing I've texted him 'Got an unexpected delivery, you free for couple hours' I've pressed send before I can stop myself. At least I didn't write what I really wanted to say, that I needed to see him, feel him, be inside him. At least despite not being able to think straight when it comes to Stephen I have enough sense not to blow our cover.

The phone beeps and my heart stops as I read his message 'sorry plans with Noah all day' before I know it I've swiped everything off the desk in a fit of rage, not at Stephen, at myself, for not being able to give him what he wants, what he needs. I need to get away, get some perspective, I've been talking with Cheryl about going back to Ireland to see the kids and suddenly it seems like the perfect time to go. I miss my kids like crazy and maybe seeing them will close up part of this void inside me, this void that I've been trying to fill with Stephen.

I pick up the phone and call Cheryl, I fill her in on my plans and before I know it she has told me she is coming with me too. I tell her I will book the flights for tonight and she decides to head to town to get presents for the kids. I call Foxy and tell him he needs to cover the club but promise I will be back for the weekend as I know he is supposed to be whisking Mitzeee away, and not even I am brave enough to mess with Mitzeee's plans.

I sort things out at the club, make sure there is plenty of cover with both me and Cheryl off and head home to quickly pack before meeting up at Chez's to get a taxi to the airport. I hurriedly grab a few things, find my passport and head out the flat. I lock the door and turn to see him there, about to go into the Dog with Noah. He stops dead, sees the bag on my shoulder and his face is filled with hurt and confusion. I can see him say something to Noah before he kisses him on his cheek and watches him head in to the pub before he walks towards me.

'Bren?' he ask questioningly, his voice is so quiet and his eyes are darting across my face.

'I'm heading home to see the kids, well me and Chez are, it's just a few days' I say trying to stay cool and calm when what I really want to do its grab hold of him and show him right there what he means to me.

'Oh… umm right, is this because I couldn't meet up? I just couldn't get away, I'm sorry' He looks so vulnerable now I can't help but raise my hand and gently brush his hair to the side.

'Don't be silly, I'll be back on Friday night, Cheryl just needs a break that's all' I move my hand away and stand up straight, readying myself to leave.

'I'm away this weekend, in Manchester with Ames and the kids remember so I guess I'll see you at work on Sunday night then yeah?' he asks and I can see the pleading in his eyes, wanting me to let him know everything is ok with us.

'Yeah I'll see you then' I start to walk away but don't get far before turning to see him still stood there watching me 'just keep an eye on the club will ya. You know what Foxy is like' I say and flash him a smile and see his face light up.

I walk to Cheryl's to find her with way too much luggage for a few days away and end up with some of her crazy leggings and bras stuffed into my bag. I swear to god if I get my luggage searched at the airport this could well be the end of my relationship with my sister!

Ste's POV

It was pretty quiet at the club for a Wednesday night and my thoughts are filled with Brendan. It seems like ages since we've been alone together properly, when I saw him outside his flat with that bag on his shoulder I felt frozen by fear. He was leaving. I made some excuse to Noah about needing to check a work thing before heading to see him, we hadn't really said much but he had gently stroked my hair and he'd asked me to keep an eye on things here so he must care right? He wouldn't ask me to keep an eye on the club if he wasn't coming back, if he didn't want us to still be connected in some way even if he wasn't here? Surely that means something?

We haven't really spoken about what's happening with us since that day at his flat, we just keep getting drawn back together and it is beyond amazing. Words like mindblowing and sensational just don't cut it. It is like we are one, we are meant to be, everything feels so right.

I feel better when I'm with him, like I'm whole, like I can be anything, do anything. He gives me that. But then reality kicks in and I remember that isn't what he wants, he is happy for us to just be casual, physical, no strings and I'm weak and I give him that because I would rather be that than be nothing to him. That's when I go back to Noah and back to convincing myself that's what I want.

Before I know what I'm doing I've pulled my phone out and written a text 'I miss you xxx' and in a moment of recklessness I press send. We are normally so careful, we only text about work related subjects, it's kind of like our code. There are never X's or anything that allude to feelings or wants.

My phone beeps almost instantly and as I see it's a message from Brendan a sense of fear comes over me, what if I've messed up again, what if I've made him cross? I press open and what I see sets off what feels like fireworks going off inside me, I'm filled with warmth and happiness and excitement and sooo many good feelings. It is ridiculous that two words could do that. I stare down at the screen and read the message over and over.

'Me too x'


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12_

_Brendan's POV_

I walk back to the flat feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. It had been brilliant seeing the kids and it was great to spend time with Cheryl, we were really moving on from the stuff that had happened and we were closer than ever. Neither of us could believe how much the boys had grown in such a short space of time and it had been a jam packed few days. With such happiness came the inevitable sorrow and it broke my heart to leave them and come back to Chester. I think Cheryl realised how hard it was for me because despite her supposedly heading home to get some rest a couple of hours later she was back in the club and sending me home. I tried to argue with her but she is one determined woman when she sets her mind on something is my sister and well to be honest I just wanted to go home and sleep.

I let myself into the flat and notice there is a flickering light in the living room, Mitzeee and Foxy were supposed to be away but knowing Mitzeee she had left some appliance on or something. I drop my bag on the floor and walk in to see Stephen stood before me basked in candlelight.

'Stephen?' I ask a little confused, my weariness making it hard for what was in front of me to make sense.

'I came back from Manchester early, I wanted to be with you' he stepped forward and kissed me softly on the lips and as exhausted as I was I felt my heart lift. He took my hand and started to lead the way

'Stephen…' I started to say but he cut me off.

'I know you Bren' he said turning and placing his other hand on the side of my face 'you will be shattered and starving and I just wanted to take care of you for a change, coming back can't be easy for you, I just didn't want you to be alone' He leant up and kissed me softly again before dragging me to the bathroom where he had already run a bath and lit candles.

Amongst my confusion and bewilderment my heart was beating so fast, Stephen had done all this for me, I was overwhelmed It was normally me who did the gestures, arranged hotel visits and surprises. I couldn't really find the words, so for once I just did as he said got into the bath whilst he headed to the kitchen to finish cooking.

I lay in the bath and let the heat sooth my aching muscles and relax me. This, I thought, this is how things could be. Normally I'd shake those thoughts out of my head but maybe tonight I'd run with them and see where I ended up. After about half an hour I pulled myself form the bath and headed to the bedroom to get dressed, I opened the wardrobe and scanned the suits and expensive jeans I usually wear but I didn't want that tonight, it was like I wanted to be stripped back from 'Brendan Brady' and just be Bren….. In the end I threw on a white t shirt and grey trackie bottoms and headed to the kitchen.

I had no idea what Stephen was cooking but it smelled amazing, he was stood in front of the oven stirring something and singing along to the radio, he hadn't noticed me. I walked behind him and rested my hands on his waist and dropped my head onto his shoulder and inhaled 'Something smells good'

Stephen turned, wrapped my arms round my neck and we kissed properly, it wasn't our normal passion filled kisses it was much more intimate, like we were in a world of our own and we were finally being ourselves.

We eventually broke away from each other and I poured us drinks whilst Stephen put the food out. It looked, smelled and tasted amazing. We ate at the table and Stephen chatted away about things that had happened with the club and how he had heard that Gaz kid had been having it away with Heidi Costello.

When we finished eating we cleaned up the kitchen together and then when I started yawning I said I needed to sleep Stephen went a bit funny and started to get his stuff together, it was then I realised he thought I wanted him to go. I couldn't get how he could be so perceptive in some ways, knowing how I would feel after saying goodbye to the kids and coming here to be with me yet he still thought I'd turn him away.

I reached for his hand and raised my other hand to his cheek 'Stay ' I said looking him dead in the eye.

'Really?' he asked, I could see his eyes lighting up.

'Yeah' I said pulling him towards the bedroom 'we'll stick a film on or something'

We walked into the bedroom and I scanned the rack of dvd's before throwing From Paris With Love at him to shove on whilst I lay climbed on the bed, reached into the bedside draw and put a small gift wrapped box on top of the pillow next to me.

'I've been wanting to see this for ages…' he said as he turned to climb onto the bed next to me 'what's this?' he asked as he picked up the gift wrapped box looking at me questioningly

'Open it and see' I said raising my eyebrows at him and was rewarded with a complete look of excitement, I swear this kid had never been looked after or loved before, the way he was at times and it broke my heart.

'Oh My God Bren!' he said pulling a casual brown leather strapped watch out of the box

'You Like?' I ask smiling at his happiness

'It's amazing, I love it, what's it for? You shouldn't be spending your money on me? Put it on me !' he said handing me the watch and making me laugh out loud

'You're such a girl Stephen' I said shaking my head as I put the watch on his arm, secretly chuffed that he loved the gift and had asked me to put it on him.

'I saw it at the airport and thought you might like it, don't worry it didn't cost loads so shouldn't attract too many questions. I just thought it might be nice for you to have something from me with you when I'm not.' I said looking down avoiding his gaze ' Now shut up so we can watch this film' I say as he lies down next to me on his side and I wrap my arm around him pulling him close.

I don't know when it happened or which one of us did it but at some point just as I am about to drift off asleep the fact our fingers are interlaced drifts into my consciousness and I can't help but gently squeeze them as I fall sleep.

Something pulls me from my sleep and I struggle to place what's happening, it's pitch black in the room and I eventually realise that it's Stephen moving away from me that was woken me.

'Stephen' I try to say but it comes out all croaky

'sorry Bren I was cold, I was just sliding under the covers, I didn't mean to wake you'

'Huh yeah it is a bit' I say as a chill runs through me, I climb off the bed strip out of the trackie bottoms and t shirt and climb into the bed as Stephen curls up to me. We don't really say anything but Stephen starts running his hand lightly up and down my stomach before dipping his head to kiss my chest and swirling his tongue round my nipples and despite the exhaustion I still feel, desire is now pulsing though me.

He carries on licking and kissing and even starts throwing in the occasional bite and I find my back arching up to him, it's a complete role reversal for us but somehow, tonight, it works. He kisses his way up my neck and eventually finds my mouth as his hand wraps around me and gently starts pumping away.

It's slow and intense and Stephen eventually stops kissing me and fixes those eyes on me. How he manages to convey so much emotion through them I will never know, I'm totally mesmerised. Mesmerised by his eyes, his body, his soul. Totally and utterly mesmerised by him.

He reaches across me to the beside draw to look for a condom and lubricant and whilst he starts kissing me again. I'm so caught up in him that without me noticing he'd rolled the condom on me and coated me in lubricant, he pulls away from my mouth and looks straight into my eyes again before straddling me and gently easing himself on me. Our breath catches in our mouths at the same time as the sensation hits us.

He reaches for my hands and our fingers lock and so do our eyes, I can't stop looking at him, at what he is doing, at how he makes me feel. He starts easing himself up and down and it's new and its different and it is like nothing I've ever experienced before. I don't mean the sex, I'm talking about the connection, the emotion, the feeling inside my chest, starting at my heart and resonating through my whole body.

My body is moving in time with his and we are both starting to get breathless, I'm getting close. He can tell, he moves one set of our hands and wraps them around him with his on top and we start pumping slow at first but picking up pace so every part of our bodies are in synchrony.

He has somehow managed to keep his eyes open and fixed on me the whole time, something he has never managed before and it is such a fucking turn on, it's like we are sharing so much more than our bodies, we are giving everything, laying bare our souls.

We come together and its like dynamite, for both of us. He bends down and kisses me softly and he looks so perfect that my heart literally skips a beat just kissing him. He climbs off me and cleans us both up before lying back on the bed next to me. I look down and he looks an utter sex mess and its so fucking adorable I wrap myself around him and as he leans into me he whispers 'Night Bren'

'Night Stephen' I say softly in his ear and kiss his hair as I feel him drift off to sleep and I find myself saying 'I love you'

Not out loud, not so he can hear, I'm not there yet, but I'm hoping after the most perfect night of my life he will realise that is how I feel.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Ste's POV

It had been the most perfect day!

I woke about ten am unsure of where I was until I rolled over and saw Bren lying facing me, mere inches away. I couldn't help the grin that broke out as he stoked my face saying 'Morning sleepyhead'

'Have you bee awake long?' I asked as I stretched my achy limbs

'About half an hour or so' he said before leaning forward and kissing me softly on the lips. It's funny how in theory it's the smallest amount of contact is a kiss, but my whole body reacts to him. It's like a chain reaction, an impulse I can't control and I'm hungry for more.

Before I can really get into the kiss he pulls away lies back against the pillows after a few seconds he says ' I'm starving' before turning his head to me raising an eyebrow and asking 'hungry?' he looks so fucking sexy I am practically salivating over what is to come. I can't find my voice so I nod and my heart starts going ten to the dozen over what is about to happen. Only what it thinks will happen doesn't!

Bren gets out of bed pulls on his trackie bottoms and walks out the room muttering something about bacon.

I pull myself out of bed and throw on my boxers and t shirt before following him. I find him in the kitchen bent over and rooting in the fridge and it's a sight that pleases me, I'm so busy thinking about that view that I don't notice him turn and catch me staring at me.

'Like something you see?' he asks and I can practically see his smile in his eyes.

I grin back at him taking in his chest and unconsciously lick my lips 'oh yeah, definitely….. I love a bit of bacon me'

'Good you can cook it' he says throwing the pack of bacon at me 'I'll make the coffee'

And that's kind of how the morning and most the afternoon went. We were happy and relaxed and at ease with each other and it felt amazing. Oh and well there was some more umm passionate encounters along the way too, including a pretty intense shower session.

Later that afternoon when we were finally dressed, I was lying on the sofa with my head on Brendan's lap as he tried to read the paper. I say tried because I couldn't help but distract him, I held his hand and stoked it gently with my thumb then my other hand started wandering to see what else I could stroke until Brendan rolled up the newspaper and hit on me on the head with it and said 'cut it out'

I sat up, looked him in the eyes before saying 'make me' and before I could even finish my words, he somehow had me flat on my back with him lying over me, he froze there looking intently at me and it was like I was right back to first kiss back at Cheryl's. All those feelings of desire were still there but this time there was no fear, no apprehension no uncertainty. I started to lean up to kiss him when his phone started ringing. He looked at me apologetically before climbing off me to answer his phone.

He had barely said 'hello' when I heard my own phone start ringing so I headed to the bedroom to take my call and give him some privacy.

I picked up the phone and without even looking who was calling I said 'hello'

Hey Ste, you sound happy, are you nearly home?' _Noah….._

'umm yeah on way back now' I said quickly, so much so that my voice rose a bit from the guilt of what I had be doing whilst he thought I was Manchester.

'Well I have a surprise for you tonight, you'll love it, can't wait to see you!' he said all excitedly

'what kind of surprise?' I asked thinking I kinda had one of my own that I needed to tell him…..

'You'll see later, pick you up at seven yeah, gotta go, customers!, bye honey' and before I could say anything he was gone…._honey? _did he really just call me that? I don't think I had ever even called Amy honey when we were together.

'Stephen?' Brendan called from the living room, I walked back out to him still holding my phone.

'I'm sorry there is a problem at the club I need to go in and sort it' He told me before taking in my slightly dazed look and phone in my hand ' everything ok?' he asked.

'yeah umm just Noah….. He's umm taking me out tonight I said not really sure why I was telling Brendan this.

'Oh right yeah of course, he'll umm be glad to have you back' He said turning his back on me so I couldn't read his face whilst he was busying himself looking for his keys.

'Yeah' I said feeling deflated. So Brendan still didn't want to address the issue of my relationship with Noah.

I went to the bedroom and grabbed my stuff , putting on my shoes before walking straight to the front door, 'See you at work tomorrow then Bren' and walking out the flat.

I don't know why I did it, why I didn't just try to talk things through with him. I think deep down I wanted him to come after me, I wanted a gesture, anything to make me believe there was a way that it could be just him and me. That I would be right to choose him over Noah.

Instead I trudged home, watched some tv and showered before Noah came over. All the while trying not to think of how perfect it had been when it was just me and Bren.

When Noah arrived he was acting like the kids do when they have had too much sugar, he was totally hyper and talking constantly about some tickets he had got us for a concert and his energy was pretty infectious. He wouldn't tell me who we were seeing but he swore to me we would have a great time.

I had never been to a concert before, so as we queued to get in I started to get pretty excited, I don't think I'd ever been around so many people before in my life.

It's fair to say my knowledge of music is pretty basic and to be honest even now, as I am lying in bed with Noah draped over me, I still couldn't tell you who it was we saw. One of the songs was a bit familiar but I didn't know any words or anything. I didn't let that stop me from having an amazing night though.

Noah was singing and dancing away and it felt so good to be out in the open like that, he is scared of nothing is Noah. He kisses me, holds my hands and dances against me without ever questioning what people might think. Refreshing, I think that's how people would describe it and all thoughts of Brendan went out of my head for those few hours, even when we got back to mine and went to bed, reacquainting ourselves with each other. It was a prefect date.

But now, I'm lying here again with my boyfriends hand resting over my heart, only I think my heart still belongs to my ex. What a total mind fuck.

You'd think the longer things went on the easier it would be for me to know who I wanted to be with but it just got harder.

I couldn't help but think this was my chance to be happy and ok it was a little unconventional to have two lovers but it was like Noah was my daylight and Brendan was the moonlight. As long as I kept them separate I could have both and everything would be good. This wasn't about the kids or Amy, I didn't have to worry about my step dad coming for me anymore. After all the pain and hurt I'd been through in my life, I was for once being selfish.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for the delay guys….. Real life got in the way… Thank you soooo much for all your wonderful reviews, they mean so much :D

Chapter 14

Ste's POV

As it happened I didn't see Brendan the next day, Cheryl said he had to go to Manchester on business, he never called or texted to tell me.

That hurt a bit. I wont lie. After the night and day we had spent together I had started to let myself believe that things were about to change, that we could be together. How stupid was I, it was starting to feel like I had dreamt that time together, the only reminder that it was real was the watch on my left arm.

I glanced down at the gift from Bren, fingering it lightly and sighing.

'You've only been working for an hour Ste, you can't be missing me already?'

My head jerked up to see Noah stood in front of me grinning away.

'Oh hey, what's up? I asked surprised to see Noah here, we had only parted company a couple of hours ago.

'Oh Ethan and Liberty were having some romantic meal thing and I didn't fancy being the third wheel so I thought I'd come keep my hot boyfriend company' he said leaning over the bar to kiss me.

I raised up on tip toes and found myself responding to Noah's kiss a little too energetically, what can I say, being wanted is a powerful aphrodisiac. All thoughts I had been having had gone and I had pretty much forgotten I was supposed to be working.

'Put him down Stephen, customers need serving'

I froze, still leaning over the bar as Noah moved out of my line of sight to reveal Brendan and Warren walking up the stairs together carrying papers. Brendan didn't even look at me and I felt my heart sink.

It wasn't that I felt bad about kissing Noah, he was my boyfriend after all, I didn't even feel that bad about doing it in work time. I felt bad because Brendan didn't seem phased at all by seeing me being kissed like that by someone else. I felt bad because that was another bit of hope of us ever being together stamped out.

Before I could answer or say anything more than ' I…uh…' Brendan and Warren were hidden away in the office and there were people that needing serving.

I spent the next hour being busy with customers, clearing glasses and chatting with Noah. I had almost forgot about Brendan being in the office until the door swung open and he strode out talking on his phone and headed straight out of the club without even looking at me, despite me standing right in front of him.

I had no idea who he was talking to but it sounded serious, I wasn't eavesdropping, I just heard him say ' Where are you? I'm coming now, It'll be ok, don't worry I'm on my way'

From the way he was talking I knew it wasn't Cheryl but I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it might be. Bren didn't exactly have lots of friends round here.

After that my mind was filled with thought of Bren, what was he doing?, who was he with?, was he in trouble? I barely spoke to Noah the rest of the night but luckily for me Chez Chez was heaving so he just figured I was busy and headed off about 10.30.

Warren left the club about 11 asking me to lock up if Brendan wasn't back. That made tonight seem even more weird. Warren really didn't like me and usually asked Rhys to lock up if no one else was about. I didn't really have time to think about it as a steady rush of customers kept me busy till eventually I glanced at the stairs to see Brendan making his way up.

I was about to smile when I saw he wasn't alone. He had his arm lightly around Doug's waist. My heart constricted in my chest as I saw Brendan steer Doug to the office, he turned to, looked me right in the eyes and then closed the door.

What the hell was going on? Was Bren… was he seeing Doug? No that was crazy, surely? Doug had had girlfriends, I had heard him in here with the lads and at Noah's talking about Texas and other girls. It couldn't be that, there had to be another explanation. But why did Bren have his arm round him like that and why did they go into the office together?

I spent the next two hours working on auto pilot, unable to get the thought of Brendan and Doug out of my head. On one hand it seemed so absurd, there was no way but then I remembered what I was like when Bren and I first got together, I was a straight dad of two… maybe I wasn't going mad.

By half two the club was empty, the bulk of the cleaning had been done and Rhys and the others had gone leaving just me.

Sorry, me and Brendan and Doug….. They hadn't come out of the office yet and I still had no idea what was going on.

I approached the office and stood there a little unsure what to do, should I knock? Should I just leave?

My head was spinning so much that in the end I just walked straight into the office and what I saw had three affects on me

One, I froze

Two, I wanted to scream and shout

Three, My heart broke in a way it never had before.

They didn't notice me, they were so wrapped up in each other, they were stood by the desk and I saw Brendan gently stroke Doug's hair away from his eyes, a gesture that was so inextricably 'ours' that it felt like my insides were being ripped out. Bren then spoke so softly ' shh come here' and wrapped his arms round Doug.

My eyes started to burn and I knew I was seconds away from tears, I eventually came to my senses, backed out of the office unseen and walked out of the club.

By the time I was outside I was practically hyperventilating. I ran into the alley next to the club, bent over and threw up. I felt dizzy and hot and devastated. I leaned back against the wall and drew in deep breaths trying to compose myself.

I had been such an idiot, I couldn't believe I had actually thought that things were changing, that Bren was coming round to the idea of us being together. I couldn't believe I had fooled myself into believing that I meant anything more to him than sex. Well he had someone else for that now didn't he. I was obviously nothing to him, he couldn't even acknowledge me in public yet he could touch Doug and walk him into his office and close them inside it for hours in front of a packed club.

I pushed myself off the wall and punched the other side of the alley. Instant pain, instant release. It didn't stop the hurting inside but for a second it was overwhelmed by the physical pain.

I was about to hit the wall again when I heard footsteps and saw Doug leave the club alone.

That meant Brendan was inside. Alone. No time like the present I thought to myself and before I really knew it I was climbing the stairs and was stood in front of him.

'Stephen….. I don't know what you think you saw' He started as he took a step towards me.

'I saw enough' I said calmly, its funny how you can be falling apart on the inside but you can still put up a front.

'I saw you with your arm round Doug steering him into your office, I saw you brushing his hair away from his face, I saw you wrapping your arms round him…I finally saw sense'

'Stephen…. It's not… I know it must have looked liked that but you've got it wrong' he made to put his arm out to me but I stepped back, I couldn't risk him breaking my resolve, not now.

'I don't think I have, but come on then, I am interested to see how you are planning to lie your way out of this, that is what you do after all isn't it'

'Douglas needed someone… I can't explain…. Just trust me, please' he was pleading me to believe him with his eyes. Part of me wanted to believe him but I couldn't keep doing this to myself. It was never going to change, he was never going to change.

'That's just it, I don't trust you. I know what I saw. I know you never felt about me like I felt about you and you know I thought that was ok, I thought it might change but it hasn't. I'm still a dirty secret for you, and now it's not just me is it, I'm just one in a line of guys you've seduced for sport. For your kicks.'

'Trust? Your preaching to me about trust when you cheat on your boyfriend with me at any given opportunity'

'Yeah well, that wont be happening again. I can't believe what an idiot I've been. I am with Noah, he loves me and everything is great between us. I know I haven't been a great boyfriend, I know I cheated but I will do everything I can to put that right and make our relationship work starting right now. Stay away from me Brendan, I mean it. I'll quit working here if it makes things easier but I am telling you now we will never be anything to each other again.' I let out a shaky breath as we both stare into each others eyes.

He looks sad and confused and part of me wants to hold him, tell him I didn't mean it, tell him I love him, but that part of me is fading.

'Okay' he says, it so quiet and soft that I barely hear it, it's not until he walks into the office and slams the door behind him that it registers on my consciousness.

I turn and run out of the club, I don't stop till I get home. I strip out of my clothes and climb into bed naked and hug the pillow and I cry myself to sleep over what happened at the club, but more so over what could have been.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Brendan's POV

I walk into the office and slam the door behind me. I feel so angry and _hurt _don't know how to deal with the emotions. My usual outlet for the rage would be to tear the office apart but believe it or not I am trying to change.

I walk to the filing cabinet and pull out a bottle of Jameson's and a glass, I'm about to pour out a hefty measure when I hear the door opening downstairs. My heart lifts at the thought it is Stephen coming back to tell me he didn't mean what he said and I literally rush out of the office to see him.

'Bren, you here still?' I hear Cheryl call from downstairs.

I feel such an idiot for thinking it might have been Stephen, he said his piece, he wants Noah, not me and it hurts like hell.

'Bren' Cheryl says as she gets to the top of the stairs 'I was calling you, didn't you hear me'

She is wearing something so colourful and wacky and totally her I can't help but smile at her.

'Sorry, was miles away. What you doing here sis? I thought you were going out tonight' I ask as I walk over to greet her. I don't know why I but just need to feel something, so I wrap my arms around Cheryl and hold her close.

I hold onto her a little longer than normal and as I pull back and can see her studying my face.

'I just got back, saw the club wasn't locked up yet so thought I'd call in. What's going on Bren? You're upset about something, I can tell'

I move round to the other side of he bar and pour myself a whiskey and make Cheryl a cosmo to play for time, as I slide it across the bar to her she rests her hand over mine and looks at me with so much love and sincerity.

I sigh, gesture with my head to one of the sofas and try to figure out what to say as we both sit down.

'It's umm Stephen, we had a fight and I ….' I put my drink down and lean forward with my head in my hands ' I think it's over for good this time' Cheryl's arm is instantly around me, pulling me close.

'Oh Bren I'm so sorry… wait hang on ' she pulls away from me and as I turn to look t her I see confusion plastered all over the face. 'You two were back together?'

'Yeah' I say so quietly because right now it feels like the whole thing was a dream that is rapidly turning into a nightmare.

'But I thought, I mean, isn't Ste with that Noah from the gym?'

'Yeah' I say followed by a small maniacal laugh which escapes my mouth before I even realise what I'm doing.

Cheryl turns and looks me right in eyes

'I thought you were through with messing with Ste, I thought you were letting him go. He was happy with Noah, I've seen them together. When you came back and told me about Ste you said you were sorry for how you had hurt him and now what? You just seduced him because he was with someone else? Please tell me I'm missing something here Bren'

From anyone else what Cheryl just said would come across as accusatory, but I know my sister she is just trying to understand what happened, she doesn't want her brother to be the big bad all over again. She is half the reason I am trying to change, her love makes me want to be a better person. I stand and let out a shaky breath before I start pacing.

'You think this is what I want? You think I didn't try to stay away from him Cheryl? He came to me. You think I wanted to be the person he turns to when he has free time away from Noah? You think I like seeing the person I care for with someone else'

Cheryl walks over to me, standing right in front of me and puts her arms out, holding my arms to my side, so there is no where to run.

'So why Bren?, why let it happen?' she asks softly

'Because it hurts more not being with him at all' As I say it, I realise it is true, I will take Stephen in my life in any shape or form, rather than live with an empty void in my heart when he isn't there.

'oh love' she says before wrapping herself around me. After a few seconds she pulls back and walks us both back to the sofa.

'So what happened tonight then Bren, you said you had a fight?'

'yeah he saw something, got the wrong end of the stick and ended things saying it was Noah he wanted to be with' I say as I drain the last of my Jameson's.

'what did he think he saw?' Cheryl asks as she walks to the bar , grabs the bottle of Jameson's and a glass for self before sitting back down and pouring us both drinks.

'I was trying to help someone out and he thought there was something going on between us. I swear there wasn't Chez.' I say as I pick up the glass and start rolling it in my palms.

'I believe you Bren, but answer me this. If it hadn't been me walking up those stairs a bit ago and it had been Ste coming back to talk and say he had got things wrong and wanted you two to carry on, would you have gone back to how things were with him?'

I think about this for less than a second before nodding my head. I'd have gone back to how things were in a shot. It wasn't ideal, it wasn't what I really wanted but it was better than this.

'Oh Bren, can't you see you're worth so much more than that. Has Ste ever talked about finishing things with Noah?'

'No, never' and it hurts like hell that he never even thought it.

'Next time I see Ste I will be giving him a piece of my mind….'

'No Chez' I cut her off ' none of this is Stephen's fault. If I hadn't messed him up so much in the first place things might have been different. He is just confused and vulnerable, if you knew how loveless and painful his childhood had been,' I stop as I feel tears threatening to come 'no kid should ever have to go through what he did. Noah can give him everything I can't, he gives him love and normality and complete acceptance. He takes him into his life, makes him part of it, his friendships, his work, his interests, that's what Stephen needs and wants'

'Then you have to make sure you stay apart for good Brendan. If Ste wants all that with Noah then he can't keep seeing you. It isn't fair on Noah and it sure as hell isn't fair on you. You have to make sure it really is over this time.'

The softness of Cheryl's earlier tones is gone, she is now looking at me and talking with steely determination. I could never doubt her love for me, she shows it so openly, she is incredible my sister. I might make out that I'm the big brother who sorts everything, but really it is her that takes care of me, I'd be lost without her.

That's why at almost four in the morning, when we are both emotionally exhausted from our 'talk' yet wide awake at the same time, not to mention a bit worse for wear from the drink she cranks up the karaoke.

'What do you say, for old times sake Bren?' she is grinning at me in a way I haven't seen since she was about 11, without her saying it I know exactly what she wants me to do. Something she used to make me do when she was a kid and I let her because ultimately I can't refuse Cheryl anything.

'Seriously?' I ask resigned to my fate already

'Oh Yeah' she is grinning at me now as she passes me the microphone

'You tell anyone about this and I'll leave for good' I tell her and I am almost completely joking….. Almost.

'You can't, you promised you wouldn't leave!' she says, knowing she has the upper hand as she turns to the tv screen with the words and starts to sing.

I lean on the pillar and watch and listen to her sing, waiting for my cue to join in. She is right, she always is. I wont leave her, she is all I have now because she is also right about Stephen. It is over. For good. No going back. I have accepted that now, the pain will fade in time after all whoever heard of anyone dying of a broken heart.

Cheryl turns to look at me flapping her hand about signalling for me to join in, so I do. For her.

'say you will,

say you won't

say you'll do what i don't

say your true, say to me

C'est la vie'

I turn back to the table with the bottle of Jameson's there but it's no good, there is not enough whiskey in the world to make me forget that my baby sister is making me sing to B fucking witched.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Ste's POV

I wake up with a banging headache but there is no time to think about what happened last night or the lack of sleep I've had. Amy and the kids are due back at eleven and I can't wait to see them. I missed them terribly and I can't help but think I will find it easier to get back to normal with them home.

I crawl out of bed and head to the kitchen to start cleaning up, I admit what with everything that's been going on lately I've been neglecting the housework. I spend the next hour cleaning the kitchen, the living room and the bathroom, before doing the washing.

I'm finally finished with an hour to go and decide to have a quick cuppa before jumping in the shower only to find there is no milk. Looking in the fridge there isn't much in at all. So I quickly get dressed and head out to get some groceries.

As I head to Price Slice I pull my phone out and feel disappointed to see there are no calls or messages from Brendan. I know I shouldn't care but I still do, but I figure that's natural and it will fade in time. I call Noah to see what he is up to but it just rings and rings which is unusual, he normally answers really quickly and I didn't think Noah was working today.

The answering system clicks on so I leave a quick message 'hey babe, it's me just wondering how your day is.? I'm not working till 5 so give me a call later'

I walk into Price Slice and grab a basket, It's half full with basics and some treats for the kids when I look out the window and what I see fills my heart with pain and I stop breathing. Brendan is stood outside the club with Doug, he has his hands round his face and is talking intently to him. He eventually pulls back, Doug nods and walks off as if he is heading home.

Brendan turns, catches me staring and for a second he looks sad before he turns his back on me and walks back inside the club.

The need for air finally overwhelms me and I start breathing again. My chest burns from the lack of oxygen combined with the ache in my heart.

Seeing Brendan with Doug hurts like hell but it proves that I was right to end things, doesn't it?. I can't stand the thought of Brendan with someone else but what's most painful is seeing how he touches Doug in public and gets so close to him yet he could barely look me in the eye if we were together around people.

I guess at the end of the day I just didn't mean enough to him. I knew all along that I felt more for him than he did me but somewhere along the line I kidded myself that it was me he wanted to be with, he just wasn't ready yet.

It never occurred to me that that he was ready but he just didn't want it to be with me.

I'm dragged from my thoughts by a vibration in my pocket. I pull out my phone and see that Amy has text to say she is at the train station and almost home. I rush to get the rest of the shopping and head home.

They arrive home five mins after me and there is lots of excitement and squealing and I'm not ashamed to admit it wasn't just from Leah and Lucas. I love my kids me. They mean everything.

Amy and I eventually settle the kids and we decide to stick on a dvd and watch it as a family. There is a little bit of arguing from the kids about which film to watch but eventually Leah gets to choose the film as long as Lucas gets to sit on daddy.

The joys of parenting mean you get to watch the same dvd over and over again so even if the kids don't know all the words yet, me and Ames do. We both sing along which makes the kids love the film even more.

Once the film is over I head to the kitchen to make some lunch for us all. I whip up some pasta and whilst it is cooking away I try to call Noah, again no answer. I know I'm probably just being needy but the fact I can't get hold of Noah is making me feel a little uneasy.

It's kinda hard to focus on your relationship and prove that you want to be with someone over your ex, if you can't get hold of them!

I finish making lunch and we all eat together as Leah makes us laugh with stories of Grandpa. Once we have finished I tell Ames to go sit down as I clear away the dishes. I have more of less finished when I hear her call out

'Oh my god Ste! Quick come see this!'

I drop the tea towel on the side and walk into the living room to see Amy sat on the edge of her seat looking at the news.

'What?' I ask

'Shhhh, listen' she says flapping her arm at me without taking her eyes off the telly.

My eyes settle on the telly and I eventually absorb what has happened. A body has been found, a girl, in the woods. Just like India. I feel sick.

I sit next to Amy and grab hold of her hand, scared to let go. Something bad is happening to girls round here and I feel terrified that someone could take Amy away from me, away from our kids. I'm about to turn the tv off to talk to Ames about keeping safe when a picture of the dead girl comes up on the screen.

'Oh no!' Amy says, her voice full of sadness 'I've seen that girl, she is with Doug, she was his long lost girlfriend or something, you should have seen him with her, he was besotted'

I am literally stunned into silence, don't get me wrong I feel terrible for the girl and I have no idea what Doug must be going through but all I can think about is Brendan.

I totally fucked up.

This must have been what was going on yesterday with Doug. Brendan was trying to help him, be there for him and I just assumed the worst. I feel hot and sweaty and my heart is pounding ten to a dozen.

What have I done?

I need to see him.

I tell Amy I have to start work early but first I make her promise me she will be safe and not go out alone in the dark. She tries to brush off my concern but I can tell she is freaked too.

As I'm walking to the club I get a message from Noah

'Sorry I missed your calls babe, something bad happened, I'll come see you later'

I know I should reply or something but all I can think about is getting to Brendan so I put my phone back in my pocket and up my pace.

I get to the club in record time and head upstairs to the office, I walk straight into the office but it's empty.

'If you are looking for Brendan mate he is in the cellar' Rhys calls form behind the bar as he is stocking up mixers and bottled lagers.

I nod at him and head to the cellar. The irony of me and Brendan meeting in the cellar again is not lost on me.

I see Brendan with his back to the door as I walk in, I stop and try to think what to say but before I can get my thoughts straight he speaks.

'So you decided not to quit then? No? Good. You can finish this' he says handing me a clipboard. He tries to move past me but I put my hand on his chest.

'I'm sorry, I know I got it wrong Bren, I got you wrong.' He takes a step back from me and breathes out.

'I don't know why I got like that, I don't know why I thought those things, can we just go back to how things were' I finally manage to lock eyes with him and I hope that my face is pleading my case.

'No. No we can't Stephen. You might have be wrong about what you saw but you were right when you said you couldn't trust me. That's not going to change, regardless of what I do.'

'Bren please' I move towards him and put my hands on either side of his face

'No Stephen, you are with Noah, he loves you and gives you the things that you want, that are important to you.'

'Bren' I whisper as I try to take in what he I saying.

'It's for the best Stephen, for everyone involved, we both know this' He places his hands over mine and they linger there for a second before he pulls both our hands away.

I can't help myself I lean up on tip toes and kiss him softly.

'Ste! Rhys says your down….' Noah stops mid sentence taking in the sight before him.

I turn and see the look of total devastation on his face before he turns and walks out the club.

I stand still my brain trying to process what just happened until Bren's voice brings me back to reality

'Go after him then Stephen' Bren says quietly

'But what about …' I start to ask but Bren cuts me off again

'I have told you there is nothing between us, it's Noah you want now go and fix things' He turns his back on me and goes back to doing the stock check.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Ste's POV

I was torn, I wanted to stay with Brendan, make him see we could make things work but sometimes you have to accept it's over. Noah loves me and it was like Brendan said, he can give me everything I ever wanted.

I know what your thinking, Noah is second best, I wont lie, that is true, but that doesn't mean it can't change. How was he ever going to capture first place in my heart when I kept sneaking back to Brendan at any given opportunity.

I ran out of the club and caught up with Noah in the village and god knows how but I managed to persuade him to come back to mine to talk.

So now I'm walking up to my front door with Noah in tow and I have no idea what I am going to say. We head inside and Noah walks straight into the living room so I follow him. Amy and the kids are out thankfully, I remember her saying she was planning on meeting Lee.

He spins round to face me and he looks so hurt and angry and I feel sick knowing that I have caused him pain.

'I'm so sorry Noah, I don't know what you saw but it was nothing I swear'

'You kiss someone else, no not just someone else, your messed up, power hungry boss and you say it was nothing!' Noah yells at me, he is seething and the ferocity of his words throws me. I step back, look at the floor and start fiddling with my cuffs, it's a nervous compulsion and I can't stop it.

' I….I made a mistake but I promise it will never happen again' I say finally looking up at his face, I move towards him and take his hands in mine

'Has it happened before' he asks and his voice is like ice.

'No' I say. I can't say any more than that, I should try to be more convincing but all I can think is it's a lie I can't take back.

'Why him? He is a psycho, a nut job, a maniac. He has beaten you up before for making mistakes at work. He is scum. Why on earth would you kiss him' He asks his voice flitting between anger and confusion.

'I … I don't know… he's not like that, he's a good person he just has issues, he loves his family and if he cares for you he looks out for you, protects you, he'd do anything for you…..' I realise I've said too much, Noah is staring at me open mouthed.

I couldn't stop myself from saying those things, I hate people thinking bad of Bren and now I think Noah is seeing that I care for Bren a lot more than I should.

'Fuck! You love him don't you? I mean I knew you didn't love me, not yet, not the way I love you but I thought that was still you coming to terms with being gay.' He is shaking his head as he is talking like he doesn't quite believe what he is saying.

'Noah it's you I'm with, it's you I want to be with'

I know I'm supposed to sound convincing but I don't, not one bit because Noah wrenches his hands out of mine so violently he somehow manages to break my watch and the face is pulled off the strap and falls to the floor.

'How many times?' he screams at me and I look at him blankly 'How many times have you slept with him behind my back?'

I have no idea what to say so in the end I opt for the truth 'I've been seeing him for almost a month, since he came back' I exhale and despite how fucked up this situation is it feels good to finally be honest.

'I never meant for it to happen Noah, Brendan and I have a past and there is something that was binding us but we ended it, it's over. I wanted a future with you. I didn't want to be stuck in my past anymore' I'm talking without really thinking what I'm saying but I kinda half believe it.

For a second I think I am making headway with Noah and I move to put my arms around him and he lets me but what he says next throws me.

'We?…. You said "we ended it" Not "I ended it"' the anger is back in Noah's eyes as he pulls himself away from me. 'You mean he finished with you'

I say nothing I can't deny it, I feel totally emotionally exhausted and it's not like I don't deserve this, I have cheated on Noah over and over with Brendan. It's unforgivable what I've done.

I think the fact I say nothing makes Noah even more angry because he pushes me back and slams me against the wall, knocking the breath out of me. He holds his arms out pinning my shoulders back so I can't move. The sense of fear I feel is more than I ever felt with Brendan. Ultimately I knew Bren had limits, I knew he hated hurting me. This side of Noah is a complete unknown to me and I am terrified.

He gets right up in my face, his eyes are like flint, cold and hard, he is barely recognisable to me now.

'I knew I should have listened to what people said about you. You are worthless, a waste of space, the thought of you touching me after being with him makes me feel sick'

'Then I suggest you step the hell away from him right now and get out'

Both Noah and I turn and are shocked to see Amy standing a few feet away.

She walks up to Noah, pulls his right arm off me like he is nothing more than a sulky child not a six foot odd gym toned action hero wannabe.

'I said get out' She doesn't take her eyes off Noah.

I'll tell you something about Ames, there is nothing to her physically but you really wouldn't want to cross her, she has this way of staring you down until you submit. She is incredible.

Noah eventually steps back regains his composure and turns to look me 'Ste, it's ok, I know you messed up but we will get past it, come on babe, lets go'

If there is one thing I've learnt this last year it's that you don't give people the chance to let you down again, you need to be in control of your own destiny.

'Just go Noah, I'm sorry for what I did, it was unforgivable, but we are over' I look him in the eyes and I do genuinely feel sorry for hurting him, he didn't deserve this.

'Ste… we can..' Noah starts to speak but Amy steps in between us, cutting him off before telling him to get out again.

Noah walks out shaking his head and Amy follows closing the door behind him and locking it shut.

I feel like in the space of an hour my whole world has fallen apart and I know it is all my own doing. I slip down the wall until I'm sat in a heap on the floor and start to cry. Within a few seconds Amy is sat next to me with her arms wrapped round me shushing me and telling me it will be ok. She tells me the kids are with Lee and tells me we have as much time as we need.

About ten mins later, once I have finally started to pull myself together, she heads to the kitchen and comes back with two cups of tea and sits down next to me again before gently nudging me and saying 'come on then, spill'

And I do, I tell her everything, I tell her about Brendan returning, about us talking, about trying to stay away from each other but not being able to. I tell her how I kept trying to break up with Noah but I loved being in a relationship and I knew Brendan couldn't give me that. I tell her everything.

'Oh Ste…' she says when I've finished, she pulls me up so we are both standing and hugs me tight.

'You really love Brendan don't you?' she asks whilst she is holding me.

'Yeah, I have tried not to Ames but he has changed, he is different, better somehow, and I just ended up falling even deeper in love with him'

She pulls back from me and we move to sit on the sofa.

'So what has he said when you have talked about you having a future together, just the two of you?' she asks

'I never asked, I didn't want to push things and he never mentioned it, so I figured that wasn't what he wanted' I say solemnly as I go back to fiddling with my cuff.

'Look Ste, I have never been Brendan's biggest fan, especially not after everything he put you through, but I do believe he cares for you and I'm telling you now, he would have hated every minute of sharing you with Noah' She says standing to pick up something from the floor

'No, cos well it worked out best for him, didn't it' I say trying to get my head around what Amy just said. 'he got to be with me with no one knowing, he got to be with me without ever having to commit to a relationship with me, it was perfect for him'

Amy moves back towards me and puts something in my hand, I look down and realise it's the face of the watch Brendan bought me, the one Noah ripped it right off the strap. She turns the watch face over so I'm looking at the back before saying softly

'You sure about that Ste?'

I look down and see the words engraved on the back for the first time and I swear it's like my broken heart has just been shocked back to life.


	18. Chapter 18

Ok here it is….. Final chapter. Thank you soooo much for all your wonderful comments, I have been overwhelmed by your lovely words. DD xxxx

Chapter 18

Brendan's POV

I don't have time to think about what happened before with Stephen in the cellar. I just know it was the right thing to do. We can't be together, he doesn't trust me, he has shown that over and over and there is only so many times you can try and change someone's opinion of you.

What Cheryl said last night kinda made sense, I know it was alcohol fuelled but maybe I am worth more than what we had. Not worth more than Stephen, that would be ridiculous, just more then being the shadow he hides in when he wants to escape.

I realise I have started to lose focus again, I pack up the paperwork in the office and head downstairs to make sure everything is ready.

Tonight is supposed to be a night of celebration, the start of something new and I have to say there is a little part of me looking forward to it.

Rhys has actually done what he was told for once and it looks good. He has cordoned off a seating section and decorated it with balloons, there are two buckets filled with champagne and ice, a bunch of champagne glasses and a couple of platters of canapés.

I stand back surveying it all when I hear steps behind me and turn to see Cheryl approaching with Pete not far behind.

'Wow Bren it looks great, is she here yet?' Chez asks as she kisses me on the cheek

'I am now'

Cheryl, Pete and I all turn round to see Mitzeee dressed to the nines in something tiny, shiny and ridiculously tight, striking a pose her face radiating happiness. Warren is stood behind her admiring the view and even I can't blame him, she does look amazing, it's not even the make up or the clothing, it's her happiness, it's intoxicating. She is on the verging of getting everything she wanted and I'm genuinely happy for her.

Mitzeee walks up to me, takes my hands and air kisses my cheeks before whispering 'thank you' in my ear.

'Right, lets get this celebration started, Foxy you wanna do the honours?' I ask handing him the champagne to open. He pops the cork to cheers from us all and pours the champagne, handing everyone a glass.

'Right, I'm gonna keep this short, before the others get here, I just want to say congratulations to Mitzeee who you will all be able to see a lot more of in the centre page spread of LADZ magazine next week but also on becoming the face….. Or should I say chest and legs of Candy's new lingerie range. Now we all know she has her faults…'

'Hey Bre….' Mitzeee tries to interject but I grin at her and keep talking.

'But she also has a heart of gold, she can be incredibly funny, charming, down right devious and can burn anything if you let her near a kitchen. She is the most driven person I have ever met and deserves to finally get her big break, so will you raise your glasses and toast Mitzeee' There are cheers and applause and glasses chiming and before I know it Mitzeee is hugging me.

'To the best manger in the world' she says raising her glass at me

'To twelve and a half percent baby' I say back to her ginning wickedly. She is still a little put out that I made her sign a formal contract with me before telling her about the magazine and lingerie deal but she'll get over it.

I spend the next hour sitting and chatting with Pete and Cheryl mainly, more and more people have arrived and Mitzeee is in her element, I look over and see Foxy being bossed about by her and feel relief that it's not me in his shoes, even as a fake girlfriend Mitzeee was beyond demanding.

I tell Chez I'm heading upstairs to do a bit of work, she tries to convince me to stay but its halfhearted, she knows me, crowds and celebrations just ain't my thing.

I walk into the office, as if on autopilot I shut the door behind me and head to the desk.

'I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to come back up here'

I spin round to see Stephen sat on the sofa, I can't believe I didn't notice him when I walked in.

'What are you doing here Stephen? I thought you would be taking the night off to sort things out with Noah' I'm trying to play it cool, keep calm but my heart is racing at the sight of him. I move round to sit behind the desk, instantly feeling calmer, feeling in a position of power.

'It's all sorted with Noah' he says standing and walking towards the desk.

'Good, that's good' I say trying to get my head around why he is here. Why if he is back with Noah, is he now walking towards me with a look on his face that I can only describe as challenging? He approaches the desk, comes round to stand next to me and perches on the edge of the desk looking at me intently.

When he speaks it is so soft and quiet that I almost miss it 'I need you to be honest with me'

I have no idea what he is referring to but I can't tear my eyes away from his, there is something different about them tonight and I can't work out what it is. So without even realising that I'm doing it, I nod my head

He pulls something out of his pocket and lays it in front of me.

It's metal and shiny and my breath catches in my chest when I realise what it is, something I never thought he would find.

'Do you mean it?' I look at him as he says this, his head is down and he is fiddling with his cuffs, it's that nervous compulsion of his again and it's fucking adorable but we can't do this again, I need to be strong for both of our sakes.

I get up and move away from the desk and start pacing in the office, rubbing my hand at the back of my neck as I try to think what to say. I've still got my back to him when I speak.

'Stephen….. It's an engraving that's all'

That's not all, I agonized for what seemed like an eternity to figure of what to put on that watch. To find something to express just a fraction of what I felt. I never thought he would see it, especially not now. Not now it's all over. I turn round ready to brush it off to find he is stood right behind me, fixing me to the point again with those eyes.

'Bren please' he whispers 'be honest with me'

I look down at his hand to see he is holding the watch face, I read those words and remember every emotion I felt then, every emotion I feel now.

'_Yours Always, BB x'_

I feel like the walls are closing in on me, my breathing is erratic, my heart is going ten to a dozen. I know what I say now is going to have repercussions one way or another. Do I do what he wants, tell him what he wants to hear, be honest with him knowing that it is something I can never come back from, knowing that someone else has a hold on his heart. Or do I front it out, tell him it means nothing, break him again then walk away, leaving him to eventually be happy and content with Noah.

It's decision time.

'Please' he whispers again, doubt is now starting to show on his face, he looks ready to break and I can't do that to him, it hurts my heart to even think about denying him this.

I reach out and brush his hair away from his face 'Yes Stephen, I meant it'

He raises his hand resting it over my heart, he looks unsure of what he wants to say, like he can't quite find the words but eventually he does 'Are you still mine Bren?'

I lift my hands so they are holding his face before dropping my head so our foreheads are resting against each others 'Always' I whisper.

He doesn't say anything but I think he senses there is a but.

'It doesn't change anything' I say ' you are with Noah, he gives you everything you want, things I can't' I stop to take a breath because saying this hurts like nothing I've experienced before, and that's saying something. Stephen mumbles something but I don't catch it, I just carry on with my justification.

'He is better for you, he can make you happy and he doesn't deserve to be cheated on Stephen'

'Didn't you hear me Bren?' he asks as he pulls away from me 'I finished with Noah'

I take a step back, shocked by what he has just said and surprised he waited till now to say it.

'You're right, Noah didn't deserve to be cheated on and he was prepared to forgive me for what I did, once he calmed down, but it wouldn't have changed anything because I can't change what is in my heart.

I love you Bren, I know you don't feel the same way about me yet, but I know you care and I'm willing to wait till that day comes. I'm not asking you to change or to be something your not. I'm not asking you to come out to the world. I am willing to take being with you in secret because I can't take not being with you at all. I trust you with my life Bren and I want to spend as much of it with you as I can, on whatever terms'

My mind is spinning from what he is saying, it's all I have wanted to hear since coming back to the village, just him and me, in our own world. My brain is screaming to get out, get away and save myself from the inevitable pain. My heart pretty much tells my brain to fuck off and within a second we are kissing.

I finally break away when it becomes hard to breathe and we stand back looking at each other

'You sure?' I ask but the smile that lights up his face is answer enough for me.

We spend the next half hour in the office, kissing and caressing and we can't stop grinning at each other, which makes Stephen burst into fits of giggles every so often, it's a new sensation for both of us and it feels amazing. I think for the first time since my kids were born I am genuinely happy.

'I should get back down stairs' I say somewhat reluctantly.

We leave the office and head downstairs and as I head behind the bar to grab a drink Stephen walks over to congratulate Mitzeee who is sitting with Foxy, Chez and Peter.

He is chatting away with the group when I slip a bottle of lager into his hand, he thanks me and carries on chatting. I exhale and remember back to that day on the bridge when I hoped maybe one day Stephen would give me to chance to prove to him again that I was worth loving. I figure it's now or never.

I snake my right arm round his waist and gently pull him back so he is flush against me. I feel his body stiffen and he turns to look at me slightly panicked.

'They all know Stephen' I say nodding at the others who are grinning inanely at us, 'everyone I care about knows'

'But?… I don't…' he moves out of my grasp so he can face me, he looks, shocked and confused and a little dazed.

'I just needed to know it was me you wanted to be with, I needed to know it wasn't just the idea of a of a relationship that you were in love with.' I say quietly to him

'Bren… I … I'm sorry I never'

I cut him off with a kiss ' shhhh… now sit down' I say grinning at him and nudging him towards the sofas.

We sit next to Mitzeee who turns to and Stephen, puts her hand on his leg and whispers 'you ok kid?'

'Yeah….. Yeah I'm great, really great' he says turning to grin at me

'Good, now don't forget tonight is all about me boys' she says winking at us to let us know she is joking…. Well almost completely joking.

Stephen and I leave the club an hour or so later, Chez has said she will close up and Pete is sticking round to make sure she is ok. If I didn't know any better I would start to wonder if something was going on there, they have been spending a lot of time together recently.

We start heading back to my flat when I stop suddenly and turn to Stephen

'By the way, you were wrong about something Stephen' I say

'Oh what's that then' he asks grinning at me

I kiss him softly before saying 'I do love you'


End file.
